MOMENTS OF INSPIRATION

I turned 16 in July, the summer before my Junior year in high school. I played basketball and had played junior varsity my sophomore year, although the coach had "suited me up" for the varsity team, mainly because I was 6'3" and he saw some potential. That summer I was working very hard on my game, practicing daily, and I had a secret goal. I wanted to dunk a basketball. Most of my summer play was on outdoor, concrete courts. I couldn't get much spring off the hard surface. I was barely able to get my fingers over the rim with a two step leap - Right foot forward then I'd spring off my left foot. I decided to start by trying to dunk a tennis ball. I was doing leg exercises, jumping over and over, doing squats with a teammate on my back, anything to build up my jumping ability. Our basketball coach opened the gym so we could practice indoors. One day, while practicing dunking the tennis ball I was able to get the ball, on the tips of my fingers, over the rim. I was thrilled. I had actually dunked a tennis ball!. Now I was ready to move on to a volleyball. I could grip a volleyball with my right hand. Now all I needed to do was get enough of my fingers over the rim. Sure enough in a couple weeks I dunked a volleyball. I was ready to dunk a basketball, but there was a slight problem. I had just average size hands. I could not grip a basketball in my fingers. A friend suggested I try something pro bowlers used called "Pro-Grip". It was a little like glue for your fingers. I still couldn't grip the ball but when I jumped the ball stuck to my fingers. Day after day, week after week I tried dunking the ball. I was getting closer. I could tell my exercises and leg strength was improving. Also, the timing of my jumping was getting better. I was starting to feel like I was actually "soaring" through the air. My body seemed to "hang" a little longer at the rim. Now, it was late summer, almost September, and near the start of my Junior year. For some reason I felt very energized that morning, happy, and strong. I didn't try jumping or dunking. I just shot baskets for a couple hours. It was a hot day outside. I had worked up a good sweat. I was ready to leave the gym. On my way toward the locker room I dribbled the ball toward the glass backboard. I made my right foot/left foot jumping step, springing off my left foot. Suddenly, I felt myself rising, gliding easily higher than I ever had before. Not only did my fingers make it above the rim, my entire right wrist was above the rim. At the top of my jump, perfectly timed with the ball squarely in my fingers and palm, I slammed the ball down through the net. I couldn't believe it. I was giddy with excitement. I was gasping at myself in amazement. The ease of it. How amazing it felt to float that high. How was it possible that suddenly I jumped 4 to 5 inches higher than I had ever jumped before? I raced around the court to try it again. This time I made it even higher and dunked the ball through again. I couldn't believe it. My mind raced with this almost magical feeling. Within a week I was able to jump with my forearm ( between my wrist and elbow) above the rim. Soon after that I could touch my elbow on the rim. I began to dunk with two hands, then two hands over my head, backwards. It was a thrilling achievement for me, because that had been such a big goal of mine. Looking back, I see that mysterious breakthrough as a Moment of Inspiration. One in which I was very relaxed, highly energized, happy, but not particularly focused on achieving the goal. It felt effortless. It seemed to happen naturally. When the moment of inspiration came, I was ready, felt confident. After that moment I always knew, that I could and would achieve that particular "level" of achievement again and again. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ In thinking back on that special time in my youth, and looking at various events in my life, where moments of inspiration have seemed to deliver a "leap" forward, I discovered that most people seem to have had experiences where they reached a "plateau" and felt that they were not moving forward. Some people give up, or stop at this point, but others continue toward their goal, often realizing a special moment where time stands still for an instant, but they move forward, often in a unique moment as if a hand reaches down and pulls them up to a higher level. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I recently watched a race where, previously, this girl had run her best mile time of 5:37. In this National event she started out with the pack, but suddenly at the half mile mark she began accelerating away from everyone. Many people, including myself, thought she might "burn out" and fall back in with the herd, yet she kept on pulling away. By the last lap she had a 200 yard lead over everyone. What was really astonishing was that she finished with a time of 5:04. That was 33 seconds faster than her previous fastest time. Was it a moment of inspiration for her? _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ In the Moment of Inspiration things seem to flow effortlessly for the person who is achieving something creative or some new level of performance. An author struggles for an idea. Suddenly ideas are flowing thru him and he is scribbling frantically to capture the words and images that are flowing freely as if from a fountain. When Michaelangelo was asked how he had created the Statue of David out of single block of Marble, it is reported that he replied that he had not carved the image. Instead, in his mind, he saw the image, incased in the stone. He was inspired to chip away the excess rock to reveal the statue that was already there. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Maybe that is the true magic of moments of inspiration. If we can get out of our own way, we may be able to realize a dream in a different or unique way. Maybe by letting go of our determination to control the outcome, we allow a kind of energy to take over. An energy that is much more powerful than we are, and one that harnesses our true ability to achieve greatness. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Whatever power is behind the magic of Moments of Inspiration I believe that in order to "tap into" this great and mysterious resource, within us, we must first lay the ground work, and position ourselves for the moment to appear. WE do this through hard work, through living and thinking "right", preparing for the moment to flow through us. And I believe that every success, every failure, every setback is part of our future success. We must go through trials, in order to achieve what is meant to be. We must feed our soul, mind with positive images, and positive self talk. We must have the expectation that success is our destiny.

Love will come to us if we will let it in

To be loved is a gift beyond all others. The universe is entirely about love. Love is the heartbeat of life. I was blessed to be loved in a way that made me feel special, made me feel as a man needs to feel, made me feel assured and confident in her dedication to me as the most important person in her life. And, I loved her in the same way. She was my everything. I delighted in acts of kindness and gifts of grace and goodness to her every day. Sometimes a wink across the room, a call to her for lunch, easing her worry about some little thing, encouraging her to wear the red dress, reminding her how beautiful she was then and now. Verbal flowers, a gentle kiss, spooning in bed, and always putting her first before everyone and everything. This depth of love and intimacy didn't come overnight. Love takes time to learn about each other, develop trust, find common ground, make little sacrifices for each other, learn each others dreams, be patient with each other. Forgiveness is the gift of the grace of an open minded, open heart and putting her well being first, above all others including self. I was honored to adore her. When one knows the depth of love possible it is not difficult to dream that it may come around the next corner or bend in the road someday. Be open hearted to love. And be ready to be loved. That was then, and then I lost her. Lost her to sickness. Loved her in health and then in the reality of sickness. Dedicated myself to her during those difficult days. And then she was gone. I was alone. I accepted that I would probably never have that kind of love again, that depth of intimacy, that closeness that beauty of kindness. And yet, it came to me again. A beautiful woman. A brilliant, kind and giving woman who had the same grace of goodness, kindness and selfless attitude. Good fortunate? Providence? Destiny? I like to think that we each have angels waiting in the wings to bestow love upon us. We must be open to the possibility of love. Love is all around us waiting to discover us, if we are willing and open to the beauty of its presence in us and in others around us.

Five year Update - Quick Version

AS much for myself as anyone here is a recap of some of the highlights of the past Five + years, since losing my late wife, Ginger in August 2012. Of course I grieved my loss and our loss of each other. Against all advice I sold our Huntington Beach home, and our Palm Springs Home and bought a permanent home in Rancho Mirage, a neighboring town to Palm Springs. I continued my work in commercial finance in the sports and entertainment Fields. In that role I traveled and was busy. When home I dated some, dabbled in a few relationships but nothing serious. I established a memorial bench as a tribute to Ginger, at the beach in Huntington Beach. I hiked, worked out, lost weight, decorated and designed the new house in Rancho Mirage. Then I stopped dating and determined to live in some solitude. I visited my kids in Washington State, saw the grandkids and invited them to come to the desert whenever they may. I felt good about a new and growing relationship with my youngest daughter Nichol and her son Devin, but also with my other grandkids Abby, Zach, Raine and Cannon. Then along came Pam. I met her on a "senior people" dating website. We talked for a few months, then when she was on a trip to the desert, we met for dinner. We hit it off. She wanted to teach me golf. Pam was a career operating room nurse, was extremely independent and didn't "need" a man. But she was also very attractive, interesting and kind with a generous demeanor. The fact that she is Canadian was interesting. Soon we were sharing a commuter romance. Pam commuting to the desert on weekends from her home/work in Woodland, California ( Sacramento). It got more serious and I got "cold feet" but still it progressed. I told her that I didn't want to marry again. She was fine with that. I slowly warmed to the golf. We took a few trips, then I started to miss her more on the weeks and weekends that she wasn't here. When Pam was about a year from retirement we started talking about moving in together to my house. Pam had been planning on buying her own house in Palm Springs. Now we began talking about buying an 2nd house as an investment together. On a weekend in October I told Pam that maybe I would not resist getting married again. She said she wouldn't mind being married again either. In December of that year we flew to Las Vegas and were married. Her brother Stan was the best man. I didn't know it then but Stan would end up moving to RAncho Mirage and become my golfing partner. Pam continued to work in Sacramento and fly back and forth on weekends. I would drive out to Ontario airport on Friday nights and take her back to the airport on Sunday's. Of course this grew old after a while, but she was worth it. She was fun and easy to be with. We were relaxed comfortable together. Finally came Pam's retirement date and I flew up to Sacramento to help her pack and move her things to the Rancho Mirage house. We settled in. We made trips to visit my kids and grandkids in the Seattle area. They all embraced Pam and where enthusiastic about our relationship. Soon it was time for my retirement. My final day was September 1, 2017. That August Pam arranged for us to take a cruise to Alaska. Great fun and I learned that I might like cruising. Pam's brother Stan had moved to the desert and was now renting our condo in Mission Hills Country club, which was across the street from our Rancho Mirage house. Stan had semi retired and we began playing a lot of golf. Stan's a great golfer and took me under his wing, although I'm sure he was bored with my poor play at times. He never complained though. Near December 2017 Pam spotted a great deal on a house in Mission Hills Country Club. It was older, but situated on a perfect spot, on the lake and just off the 3rd green of the famous Dinah Shore Tournament course. To be able to be "on the water" and on the golf course would be a dream come true. Pam approached Stan and asked if he would be interested in buying our condo. After a few days he stated "yes" , in fact he was interested. Within a few weeks we were in the process of selling to Stan. Now we made an "offer" on the Mission Hills house, which needed a tremendous amount of improvements and upgrades. To our surprise we got the house at our price and before we knew it we were in Escrow and destined to close soon after completing the sale of our condo to Stan. Now we complicated our lives further. We decided to put the Rancho Mirage ( Mission Point) house up for sale. I figured it would take eight to nine months to sell. We were shocked when in the 3rd week we got a "full price" offer, on the condition that the buyer could move in within 30 days. OMG what do we do. Of course we scrambled to get everything out of the house. We jumped through hoops to do all of the "fix its" that the buyer required. Yet, our new house was now under renovation. We had no place to live!!! To add to all this chaos, when we sold our condo to Stan it was with the proviso that we had already rented that unit to our Canadian friends Bob and Doreen. So as soon as Stan took possession of his house he was kicked out in lieu of our neighbors. Add to that jinx. Stan's son Andy had just moved from Toronto and was living with his dad. Pam and I felt obligated to help them find a place to stay. So here we go to Air B&B, and motels for a few weeks. Finally the contractor reached a point with our "new" ( old) house (the lake house) where we could sort of "move in" but there was no plumbing and no kitchen for several weeks. Well there was a single toilet and a temporary sink set up but we had to get out every day for all of the dust and power tool work that was going on. To make this long story short, finally it all got completed. Bob and Doreen finished there two month vacation and returned to Midland, Canada. Stan and Andy moved back into Stan's new condo and Pam and I settled into our new digs along the lake. It has been a crazy adventure. Now back to golf and in the next blog I'll give some photos of the before, during and after work that we went though in renovating "this old house".

Love And Be Loved Again

Early AM Saturday May 19, 2018. The house is dark, quiet except for the slight tinkle of the wind chimes hung on the eves over the patio facing the lake. Its been four years since my last post. For a long time I thought about writing, but couldn't. Then I felt I had nothing to say. Then life moved on, I got busy, and maybe felt there was no one who cared to listen. But Life has been good to me. I have been very lucky, fortunate lucky. For a long time I felt that I would never feel that happiness that I had felt with Ginger, ever again, but then it happened. Love found me and I fell in love again. It wasn't over-night, it was gradual. I was cautious. I had held back for a while. Then I dabbled in dating. I resisted any real closeness. Then I put up walls and determined to be alone. When I had made the decision that i would be alone the rest of my life - that is when love came knocking. Her name is Pam. She saw things in me that I could not see in myself. She didn't try to fix me or change me or move me. She just came along and understood me. AND, she had room in her heart for my relationship with Ginger. That is what really opened me up to the possibility of love. Pam was so loving and kind that she could accept that I would always have, need, want Ginger in my life. Pam's maturity allowed her to see that my relationship with Ginger was something within me, but not a threat to her. Pam's big heart was big enough for me AND for Ginger. Over these four years Pam's understanding and openness has only increased. Even in our new home, Pam suggests that we have angels for Ginger in our lemon tree. She encourages me to keep Ginger's picture in my office. She fully understands my need to keep certain keepsakes. All these things endear Pamela all the more to me and allows me to love Pam deeply, separately and with a deep respect and adoration, in the same ways I admired and adored Ginger. In fact , as different as Pam and Ginger are, they are more alike than I could ever have imagined. I believe they would have been fast friends and comfortable companions. I have no doubt that Ginger from her place in the great unknown orchestrated this wonderful romance and relationship that Pam and I share. I know that Ginger was deeply concerned about my being alone and maybe about being with the wrong person. I am convinced that Ginger is delighted and is now at peace that I am well taken care of in this relationship in this world. Some day maybe we will all be together. There are may times when I smile to myself and think "Ginger must be looking down on me smiling, laughing at my good fortune and happy times. She liked to say "everything is going to be OK". And things are OK. More than OK. Things are great. Ginger is always with me and never far from my thoughts. And Pam is here now making my life so filled with bliss and joy and happiness, too. I have much to be thankful for.

WHEN FACING THE END OF HER LIFE - SHE SMILED AT ME.AND HELD ON TO HOPE

It was exactly two years ago that I brought GINGER home from the hospital for the last time. It had only been five months since they had detected the cancer. She had already been through rough treatments including the severe radiation for nearly 25 days straight. It had burned her terribly and to the point where I didn't believe she could take any more. Also she had been through the chemo "therapy", which is devastating. Her kidneys were not functioning well. She was having constant problems with dehydration and various other issues, as so many colon cancer patients do. When I brought her home the hospital in May they had done a colostomy procedure. Ginger had accepted the procedure as something that would help her get through this period. We were both grateful for the relief and dignity saving affect that that medical procedure/device had. It helped me to help her in so many ways. It brought peace to her days and nights and allowed her to rest more comfortably. My mind keeps returning to the minutes and hours of those days. In the weeks and months leading up to May there had been so many trips to the hospital, to the emergency or to the infusion clinic for blood or hydration treatments. Ginger was so courageous and determined, so strong, and so hopeful. She never gave up. She wasn't a loud or boisterous person. Ginger was forever gracious. Right to the end she was a kind, giving and loving angel of a woman. Tonight I find myself looking at pictures. I had always taken and kept many pictures of her, and us together, earlier in our marriage, when we were young and "pretty". Well, she was beautiful. I was "OK', but if you were impressed at all with me it was because I was standing next to her and she made me look brilliant. Ginger never traded on her good looks. In recent days I find myself coming back to just a half dozen photos that I took in her final 3 months, when it looked like she was doing better and might find a way to beat this thing. Ginger didn't want to talk about death. She didn't admit she was dying up until almost the very end, and except for the last 3 weeks she never appeared to be deathly ill. So she did not object to me taking a few photos of her and us. To me these photos are remarkable for how well and "normal" she looks. And, in fact when I was with her at that time, I could not accept that she might be gone from me in less than 90 days. One of the nurses at the chemo-center said "Ginger always presents well".......meaning that she made it appear that she was doing better than she was. This was one of her trademarks, to always put the focus on others and not herself. She was just that kind of a giving person. There is one photo in particular that I want to post, if only for myself. I need to never forget the grace and goodness for which I was blessed for these 30 years of my life. When I look at this photo she is an Angel. She is gracing me, looking at me with those beautiful and loving eyes. I wish you could have known her. She was truly a good person. And even now, she makes me want to be better. I believe I will forever be inspired and influenced by the way she led her life. I share a picture of her that is so touching to me.

LIVE WITH HOPE AND LOVE AND COURAGE

Whatever the situation, never give up. No matter what your disposition; keep trying, keep doing, keep smiling and keep putting one foot before the other in every endeavor you pursue. Keep giving to others. Never stop encouraging others. They need your hope, your belief, your inspiration. No matter how hard it gets, look up, believe and trust the universe in your destiny. There are moments, days, nights and times when life is trying, difficult, and challenging. Sometimes the burden weighs you down, but know, in your heart, that you must persist, must carry on and do so with your head held high. Be strong. Be determined. Be relentless in pursuit of your goals and ideals. In pursuit of happiness show your commitment to a life well lived. Seek to maximize your potential and the potential of others around you. We never know how one sincerely said kind word will lift the spirit of another, just at that exact moment that they need it. That little act of kindness will lift our own spirit too. Self esteem is born in the moments of nurturing ones own spirit. Never forgot your uniqueness in the universe. There is no one else exactly like you. You are special. You are filled with love. You are Love. You radiate love. No matter what, always remember you are loved. At those moments of loss, when it seems so bleak, it is extremely hard to see hope, yet hope is born in our darkest hours. We are meant to live in hope, belief, trust, kindness, love and with a spirit of endurance. Those we love and who love us see hope in us. They wish us to succeed, to live happily every moment of our lives. So Give to yourself. Be filled with Grace and love and kindness to yourself and to others. RIM 5-1-14

TRAVERSING THE UNIVERSE ON THE BUMP AND GRIND TRAIL

The "bump and grind" trail, in the hills above Palm Desert, is considered a "moderate" exercise workout for some and a somewhat strenuous climb for others. I would put myself in the latter category but I love the trail and the panoramic vistas of the Coachella Valley that come with the trudging and trekking. This week I climbed the trail again and through the twists and turns and winding and ups and downs I noticed that the recent rains had produced a flurry of green growth. The desperate brown dust gray of summer giving way to a green hew of autumn emergence. The mountain and the desert valley below is cooling down. As I walk the trail, sometimes breathless from the steepness, and at other times simply serene walking pleasure, I am reminded of how the journey is a euphemism for my life. One step at a time, sometimes short steps, sometimes bigger steps, but always one step at a time. Sometimes stepping with uncertainty, sometimes with solid confidence I trek forward. At times I can not look up for taking care to watch the path for jutting rocks or craggy roots or any other unknowns. Sometimes, when I do look up I can't see around the next bend, not knowing what is there, my curiosity and determination take me forward. The vast clear sky above on most days, can witness forbidding clouds on others. One doesn't know what the changes in weather might bring or how a flash flood might wash down on me. As I climb further up the trail, I recognize and feel my aloneness, on the trail, and in life. Yet I see not only the footsteps of those who have gone before me, but I often cross paths with other travelers each on their own journey, their own thoughts, their own concerns, their own hopes and dreams carried silently with them as they traverse the trail up and round and right and left and up some more then down then up then back and forth and up once more. At points of mystic view I stop and marvel at the picturesque lush green valley below, the silence and the serenity. A quiet confidence builds in me as I traverse the well worn trail. Finally, after the last dusty steps, the last of the ancient rounded boulders are passed on the last turn of an endless climb, I reach the top, a stark plateau of maybe 30 yards across. Someone has arranged large rocks on the side of the mountain to the west to spell G O D. At one side of the plateau, near where I stand, there is a small arrangement of a cross. Bending over the rocks an older athletic woman ( older than me, but she is terribly well conditioned ) with a large yellow visor hat is arranging and praying and giving thanks, maybe for her life, her love, her health. I turn to the east and gaze out at the vast green valley below me and thank the Universe, the source, the God. I am the fortunate one. I have all this. I have family and love and nature and beauty. I hear the music of birds, the smell of clover and am witness to the oranges and reds of a rising sun. Thank you Universe for my life. I will keep on trekking with hopes and dreams and love of life. I will do so with exuberance and passion and love, for this is how I live my life with curiosity, adventure, joy and love in my heart.

THE IDEA OF FINDING NEW LOVE MUST FEEL IMPOSSIBLE AFTER LOVING AND BEING LOVED SO DEEPLY

Recently someone asked me how I was doing, after losing my wife Ginger, to cancer, a year ago. Further she stated that "the idea of finding new love must feel impossible after loving and being loved so deeply for so many years".......I thought about that for a while, because what she was saying was essentially true, yet the answer that I found was this: ----------------------------------- My perspective is that when I first met Ginger, those 29 precious years ago, I wasn't "looking" for love, AND, I didn't really know how special it could or would become. I didn't know it at that first meeting or even when we had been dating for months. It took months and years for that specialness to develop and be discovered between us. Certainly I adored her at first sight. She was not only stunningly beautiful but Ginger had a lovely countenance, a unique presence that lit the room. She turned all heads when she entered a venue. Yet the prized character attributes that we each discovered, in each other, we found moment by moment, bit by bit, like a child delighting in finding precious colored pebbles strewn along a long gray sandy beach............. I think, for me, IF love were to come again it would happen that way again.......without any plan or pretense, without any agenda or expectation.........someone will come along, and we will each feel at ease, and begin to have fun together and find that we like each other, and then find that we are interested in each other, then that we respect each other, then that we are happier together than apart, then that feeling of loving, needing, and the joy of selfless giving to each other...........and so on..............I can't imagine it happening any other way............and so, my answer is that I really don't think I can "find" love, as if on a treasure hunt..........I believe that love already exists in each of us, and when the right two people risk, sharing themselves with each other, then they may discover a love from within themselves, a love from, and for, the other.

MOVING FORWARD WITH NEW DESIGNS & NEW DREAMS ONE DAY AT A TIME

Buying the house, here in the desert, then working with Jeannie the decorator to make it a beautiful home, has been so satisfying and cathartic. How many times have I thought about how much Ginger would have loved this project. I know for a fact that her design would have been far more elegant than my simple, masculine style of rustic dark woods and soft leather. Still, this is me, and it is feeling more like my "home" every day. I must admit that there is an awful lot of Ginger in this house. Several of our cherished furnishings and artifacts found a perfect place in the new house. In the yard I planted a small lemon tree. Ginger loved lemons. The yard has two large lemon trees already and just like the Trini Lopez song says" Lemon tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet". I am getting used to living alone again. I didn't know if I could. I know she thought I could not survive. I've just now begun to go through some grief counseling. They say everyone grieves in their own way and that it takes time. I have begun hiking some of the trails above Rancho Mirage including one called "the bump and grind".....which is a well deserved name. Today is a mellow Sunday. I have but a few errands then may relax in the pool or take a nap. Its not something I have done much - I am always so busy, driven at a frenetic pace, and yet I feel the need to slow it down a notch, at least for now. I know I remain stoic and somewhat aloof. I am not anti-social, just needing time to think and feel and find my true self again.

LOVE CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> I chose "Love Can Make You Happy", by MERCY as the theme for Ginger's Celebration of Life Memorial Service. The lyrics are poignant They are entirely reflective of the love Ginger and I shared. Its true that 'love will make you happy, if you find someone who cares to give a lifetime to you and who has a love to share". But there is another stanza that says "If you think you've found someone you'll love forever more, then it's worth the price you'll have to pay". For me the price is the pain of loss, when the one you love is gone from your arms. Yet, who among us would not trade the "price" of pain for a lifetime of love. To love deeply and be truly loved for whatever time we are gifted. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> If you don't remember this song, from long ago, go to I-Tunes or YouTube and listen with JOY to the beautiful song by MERCY and think of LOVE given and received as the greatest gift you can give and receive. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Sung by MERCY, released April 1969 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Songwriters: HOLLAND, EDWARD, JR./HOLLAND, BRIAN/DOZIER, LAMONT HERBERT ////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Wake up in the morning,,,, With the sunshine in your eyes, And the smell of flowers blooming Fills the air ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Your mind is filled with the thoughts, Of a certain someone - That you love ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Your life is filled with joy When she is there. .............................................. Love can make you happy,,,,,, If you find someone who cares,, To give a lifetime to you ,, And who has a love to share ................................................ If you think you've found someone You'll love forevermore ...................... Then it's worth the price,,,,,, You'll have to pay (pay)..................... To have, to hold's important ..... But forever is the phrase........... That means the love you've found... Is going to stay ............................ >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Love can make you happy ,,, If you finD someone who cares,,,,,, To give a life time to you ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, And who has a love to share ................... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> La-love, la-love ,,,,,,, Love can make you happy,,, Love can make you happy,,,, Love can make you happy,,,, Love..................

NEW BEGINNINGS - NEW AWAKENINGS

I realized that in pouring all my energies into caring for Ginger from November 2011 until her passing on August 21 that my grieving had begun from the first day of the diagnosis of the cancerous tumor. In a strange way it had actually begun months before when she had not been feeling well, had "not been herself". Then, after going through those agonizing months of "the journey", after her passing on August 21st 2012 and after the memorial service in September; only then did the true reality of her loss really settle on me and in me. In looking back I now know that during that entire time of caring for her, and with that feeling of losing her, I was also losing myself. I didn't focus on work. Although I tried to keep up my exercise routine it was a half hearted effort. All I really wanted was "find a way" to save her.///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Now, APRIL 1, 2013, I move forward, knowing Ginger is happy to "see" me doing so, knowing she would have wanted it this way, knowing she always supported me and encouraged me, and challenged me, in the loving way we all hope those who love us will support us and challenge us to be the best we can be. I find myself getting stronger, mentally, physically spiritually. I find myself returning to the faith, trust and metaphysical foundations of my younger years but now with a new wisdom and with a certainty of purpose. It is a rediscovery of who I am, what is important to me, and what I want. Through my exercise program, my work, my embrace of nature and through personal encounters I am beginning to experience my LIFE renewed. The UNIVERSE is talking to me; There are no coincidences. The past, present and future are interconnected. All matter and all life are interconnected. The beauty of nature, that I love so much, is as much a part of me as I am of it. Everything that is important to me is based on love. Love of beauty, love of music, love of people, love of animals, love of romance. Love of life. As a consequence I move now to a higher plain of existence. I enthusiastically embrace that which comes naturally to me and that which I am destined to experience. I have absolute faith in who I am , how I am, and where I am going. I am living "in the moment". Every moment is filled with wonder and beauty. I admit I still have my momentary breakdowns over Ginger, yet I recover faster and in those times she is there talking to me, helping me through my pain, reminding me that "there won't be a pitty party here". ( one of her beautiful expressions of grace and dignity ). So these moments are not sad depressed moments but incidents of joy where I feel such gratitude for having had her in my daily life. I am going to be "OK". I now remember and re-embrace that my purpose here is one of giving, to others, in kindness and understanding, being patient with others, and with myself, and being a certain influential catalyst for positive change, within and without, as well as being a nutrient for growth in myself and in others. In this I am renewed and restored and exhuberant, vivacious and enthusiastic in my living and in my future.

HAPPY VALENTINES 2013

My mom died on Valentines day on February 14, 1972. I was just 23 years old then. She was a simple, kind and gracious woman, full of love and understanding. She instilled a lifelong love of people in my life. She taught me to see the good in others, to be kind and patient, and to find that special "something" in each person that made them unique to me. I celebrate this Valentines day in honor of my mom and in love and honor of the special people who touch me so dearly.///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// My wife Ginger died just 5 months and 23 days ago. She was my ultimate romantic love. I lived to pleased Ginger. We shared a great love and a great life. Ginger loved making beautiful Valentines gifts of flowers and goodies which she would deliver to friends and family. She filled Valentines cards with little red heart confetti and sent them off to family. When they opened the card the dozens of tiny red hearts would fluttered to the carpet making the recipient smile at the mischievousness of their aunt, sister, grandma, or step-mom Ginger. The gift of giving is a gift to oneself and Ginger was the ultimate giver. It’s no wonder she had such great self esteem for she was good and honest and giving love to others every day of her life. It’s a great example that our “bucket” of love is unending. We always have more to give and plenty to go around./////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// My daughter Tami called me last night, to wish me Happy Valentines Day. She was baking cookies and wished she could send me some. I wished I were eating them here in my Tampa hotel room, but mostly I was proud that Tami was doing something nurturing for herself. She is doing so great and I am so proud of her.////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// My son Derek called to offer to help me move. So kind of him. I think he might help save my back in the act of sorting and packing 28 years of “stuff”. We’ll be moving it from the beach to the desert in the coming weeks. Good Son! So proud.//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// My Cincinnati friend and business team associate Christy called me to wish me Happy Valentines. She told me funny stories and anecdotes about her life. I realized she was simply calling me out of the kindness and goodness of her heart, thinking of how difficult this day might be on me. To me, that takes a special person to think of someone else. I keep encouraging Christy to “write” because she is smart, fun and has such great stories. A great title for her next book could be “A Dole Life”. ( a “play” on the word Dole, as in “ A Dull Life”, of Christy Dole, whose life, to me, is anything but dull ) For instance yesterday, when she was done with work she went home to decompress from the stresses of the office. Once home she commandeered the kitchen, asked for quiet and silently, except for her IPod music of Metallica blasting in her head, began to furiously bake cupcakes. Then, after the baking of several dozen, she began to consume, one by one the cakes. Now, svelte Christy does not look like she is a cupcake addict, yet I have this vision of her burying her happy face in those mounds of iced little cakes. Later that night ( the night before Valentines Day) Christy happily went to sleep with visions of cupcakes and frosting dancing in her head, and probably not but a little icing left at the corners of her mouth. In the middle of the night her daughter, Gabby’s, cat "Tabatha", sat waiting to pounce, leaped from some high place above the bed, and landed on Christy’s sleeping face. As a startled Christy awoke the little Tabby, launched herself again, and with one claw planted squarely on Christy’s lower lip the cat barreled off the bed leaving a bewildered cupcake addict, now with a split, bleeding and rapidly swelling lower lip. By the time Valentines day morning arrived Christy presented herself to family and co-workers with the look of a recent Botox treatment gone bad. Happy Valentines Day, Christy. Thank you for making my day brighter!

I MISS YOU EVERY DAY AND EVERY NIGHT > It’s been 5 months and 5 days since you left me. I miss you terribly. I long for your voice, your hand, your kiss. I am lost without you I find myself stumbling through the days. And, tossing-turning through the nights. > They say the pain will ease in time. That my heart will mend. That I will pick up the pieces and move forward again. But I want only to have you back by my side walking hand in hand. You are the one who forever loved me. And, I loved you always. > You know how much I loved you. I loved you beyond words as you loved me. I could not get enough of you. We felt each other’s love so deeply. You were grace, elegance, honor and integrity combined. Your beauty was in loving me truly as I was, and am still yours. > I am heartbroken and although at times I feel I am healing I fall apart again every other day and in between I try to put on a brave face just as you had wanted then find myself holding my breath as if awaiting your return. > They said you held on so long, knowing I would be in such pain. And, they told me to say “good bye” and to let you go. I did so, yet it crushed me to say good bye. you knew it was I who needed you most of all. > And, now I face another night, sadness my companion. I bravely think of all we did and said and shared. I am grateful for every moment we were blessed to share together. And hopefully will fall asleep knowing you are watching over me as always.

IN MY FINAL HOUR

In my final hour who will be at my side? Who will come to comfort me or be comforted by me?... In my final hour will someone take my hand? or kiss my lips or look into my eyes and know that I mattered... In my final hour when light fades to dark will I walk into the night alone or have you there beside me?... I am comforted by your voice I am assured by your breathing I am calmed by your touch and at peace in your presence... Just being here with you in the quiet with no words I am grateful for the gift of you and pray for one more day... And, if GOD grant me another day with you I will treasure it like no other and be fulfilled anew... Yes, In the final hour I will be at your side to comfort you and comfort me and love you forever... .

Faith, Belief, Trust, Hope - the foundation for LOVE

The following is a re-post of my first blog essay "Faith" written and posted October 2007. In my immediate circumstance I find it just as pertinent, to my life today, as it was five years ago. FAITH: It all begins with faith. We need hope. We need to believe we can make change, make a difference, move forward, step up, gain momentum, achieve our dreams, make a better life, give of ourselves. Faith comes from someplace deep inside.....a kind of trusting of the unknown. A key for us is to develop a trust that we are destined to succeed. For some that means validating the steps of their lives that have brought them to this point. For others it means that the past means nothing (in terms of achievement) and that only the present and the future are focal points on which to build. All of the "good mother" messages, all of the encouragement from friends or family, all of the books, the tapes, the outside motivations.....mean little. It must come from within. That inner devine guidance. Belief, trust, hope are reflections or self statements of the heart. Success is a step by step process ("little steps") ("a journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step, one before the other"). Begin with a foundation of faith.........find that deep light of faith within yourself and follow it to success. Faith, trust, believe are the foundation and the starting point of all success and achievement.

We lost a part of ourselves

The person we loved was so close he/she could complete our sentences. They knew what we were feeling by our body language or the tilt of our head, or a look in our eyes. We shared a rhythm in life. We felt their pain, and they felt ours, We felt their joy, and they felt ours. We put each other first, ahead of ourselves. We felt their hand on us at night and fell asleep comforted by their touch. We pleased each other at every turn. We thought first of her or him whenever good things happened or bad things happened. The one person who we knew cared for us beyond all others. That loss is a severe blow. Now alone, in the night, the TV or the sterio doesn't fill the void. Friends calling, children's care, helps but doesn't replace love lost. It doesn't replace the loss of shared dreams, our hopes our plans for the future. If we have commonality then it is that I feel your affection, your need for the kiss, the touch, the embrace the long walks, the quiet talks, and that feeling that it will be "OK"............I am in this place of loss just wandering wondering how will I recover from this need to give need to share need to receive.

To be loved is a gift beyond all others. The universe is entirely about love. Love is the heartbeat of life. I was blessed to be loved in a way that made me feel special, made me feel as a man needs to feel, made me feel assured and confident in her dedication to me as the most important person in her life. And, I loved her in the same way. She was my everything. I delighted in acts of kindness and gifts of grace and goodness to her every day. Sometimes a wink across the room, a call to her for lunch, easing her worry about some little thing, encouraging her to wear the red dress, reminding her how beautiful she was then and now. Verbal flowers, a gentle kiss, spooning in bed, and always putting her first before everyone and everything. We never went a day without saying "I love you". We talked. We listened. We never sat and said nothing. We shared everything. Every little thing. We were best friends. Constant companions. She was my champion. I was her biggest fan. We took pride in each other, encouraged each other and supported each other in every endeavor. We made joint decisions and shared the relationship.

This depth of love and intimacy didn't come overnight. Love takes time to learn about each other, develop trust, find common ground, make little sacrifices for each other, learn each others dreams, be patient with each other, forgiveness is the gift of grace open minded, open hearted putting her well being first. I was honored to adore her and to be inspired by her. When one knows the depth of love possible it is not difficult to dream that it may come around the next corner or bend in the road. Be ready.

THE YEAR OF GRACE - GRIEF AND HOPE

The caregiving is over. The memorial service planned and delivered. The flowers wilted and gone except for a single lavender rose that I pressed in her Bible. The kids have returned to their homes in Seattle. Her family returned to their homes in Florida and Georgia and Arkansas. Its quiet in the house. I can't watch TV or listen to music or read a paper. I need the stillness as if I too am dead. When they found the tumor 10 months ago we had hope. We believed we could fight and manage the cancer and live for years as so many of our neighbors and friends have done. But hers was aggressive and unbending. She was courageous in the fight, never gave up hope, always believed and was determined to the end. And she did it all with such elegance, poise, grace and will. Her will to live, her will to retain her dignity was the strongest thing I have ever witnessed and probably ever will. It inspired me and I wanted to do everything for her, to help her and to make the most out of every precious moment we had left. But even the moments dwindled away too fast and time was escaping; sand in an hourglass that appears to slide through the passageway at an ever escalating speed until the last grains literally rush to the end. The journey was full of lessons but lessons I would have preferred to learn some other way. Looking back it was a year of trial and unending challenges that tested our faith, strength and endurance in every way. On November 14th I promised her I would be there, with her, holding her hand at every moment, every step every minute of every day and I held true to that promise. I gave my best and I delivered my service and love to her with gentleness, kindness, respect and the tenderness that she deserved. Now I am in a fog, in a maze of grief, that seems to ebb and flow at some uneven pace. I do not know how to manage this pain other than to just step forward one step at a time and embrace hope and give of myself to others with kindness and understanding. Maybe that is the test of this time, for me, through this experience to prove myself a better man than I was and to take the lessons she taught me, especially in this last year of Grace, to renew my own days with grace and goodness. As painful as it is I sense that by enduring the pain ( not denying it) will steel me for the future, will soften that part of my heart that otherwise would be hardened. And so I will grieve and let the waves of sadness wash over me yet continue to swim in the waters of life ever determined to stay afloat and be a survivor for myself, for others, and maybe some day, for another.

IDEALIZED PROJECTION

I feel fortunate to be a "look forward" person. I don't spend much time dwelling on the past although I certainly look to the past to learn from my mistakes. I also have, not many, but some regrets for those times I may have gotten lost along the way. When it comes to people I usually see others not as they are but as they can be. In doing so I find myself looking past most of their faults, in essence minimizing their faults relative to their best qualities. In rare cases I am entirely blinded to their faults. In those instances I "see" the person as nearly perfect and as an idealized projection of what I want to believe about this person. It is not unlike a dreamlike perception where you see the angelic beauty of a person with no faults, negatives or drawbacks. Perhaps seeing the other as a perfect version of ones self.

On the surface it seems like idealized projection is a wonderful quality that allows me to see the beauty and the potential of that individual; and in many ways it is. In his fiction book "Illusions", Richard Bach proclaims "the sky is always perfect, always changing, but always perfect". That is true about us as human beings as well. We are always as we are meant to be any particular moment. However idealized projection does carry a risk. Like others, I am often "let down" or dissapointed when the person turns out to be not entirely as I envisioned them. Over time as the reality of a person is revealed I may find that there is more of a balance between the fine attributes and the fine character flaws, the human frailties, which we all possess. In the exhuberance or romance of early acquaintance a person projects his or her hope of what that new individual might be like. This is probably especially true in romance but it is also true in normal every day meetings and encounters. Idealized projection which might also called idolized projection is not a "bad" thing. It is a way of looking at the world, maybe what was once called "through rose colored glasses" and yet perhaps the opposite of looking at the world through cynicysm and an overly critical eye. The key, for me, is to be aware of my tendency to "shade" my encounters to the benefit of the bearer and to know that there may be more to that person than the eye can readily see.

The Accidental Obsession

Walking through a field beats down the bush into a hardened trail not unlike how the trail beats down the weary traveler who has traversed this path so many times before. As the trail begins to deepen and form a rut if we are lucky we awaken to the stark realization that we are now in it and passing through it and have been for some length of time, at least long enough to form the rut. Then as we are thinking about how and if and when we might find our way out, it starts to rain and the rain becomes muck and the muck becomes mud. Often at this point we discover that we are on a slippery slope. We sometimes wallow in the muck of our own creation burying even the idea of getting out. One day, by happenstance or by design, we find the turf of our trail is dryed by the dawn of a new day. Suddenly we find ourselves on a trail amidst a field of brilliant purple clover. At that moment, but only if we are lucky, and fully aware or entirely determined, can we move our small steps, just a little, to step up out of the rut of our making. At that moment we find our toes are no longer stuck in the muck nor in the lost days of our past. We discover we can run freely through the waving grasses. We smell the sweet perfect clover at our feet. And in that singular moment, when we are self freed of the ruts of our past, it may be hard to look back and understand just how we got there in the first place. We wonder why we waited so long to step out to where we belong. And yet the better part of ourselves drinks in the knowledge that we were, then, lost souls, on a trail of dust, of our own making, swirling around us and that that chaos blocked even the view, of the beauty so seemingly so far, yet actually so near. We see ourselves embrace the hope of a new beginning. Our new start is grounded with the wisdom of our past travels along the rutted road. For only by leaving the rutted roads of our past may we find the sweet fields and green pastures of our future.