Have you ever known someone who spends an inordinate amount of time on the problems, even the minor ones, in their life? Some people seem to want to "wallow" in the pain as if owning the problem brings them a strange kind of comfort. I am not a psychologist but my sense is that these people crave attention, pity, or "there there it will be OK" as their only means of affection. In doing so they completely undermine their own self esteem, their time management, their goals and objectives, their image at work and even their family life and important relationships.
A healthy, efficient and practical approach to problems is to recognize that we are going to experience problems in our daily lives. The key is for us to handle them, by identifying the problem clearly, avoid embracing the problem as part of us and, as quickly as possible, focus on the solutions to the problem.
Lets say you are driving in your car and you have a flat tire. You have lots of choices. You can sit in the car and moan, cry and complain to yourself that you have a flat tire. You can call someone on your cell phone to tell them of your bad luck. You can fix the tire, complaining as you do and asking why these things always happen to you. You can then drive to work, spending the rest of the day telling everyone of your misfortune. When you go home at night you can repeat the story to everyone in the house. Maybe even keep it going by telling others over the next several days. OR you can get out of the car, fix the tire and get on with your life, recognizing that it had nothing to do with you and was a minor, and momentary, inconvenience. With the latter choice you dismiss the problem efficiently and move on to what is important to you.
Make it a point to not "make a mountain out of a mole hill". Put problems in their place by focusing on the solution. In doing so you will become expert and efficient and dispatching problems and issues in your life. People around you will notice your ease of handling problems and you will gain recognition for your composure and ability to manage daily issues. Relationships will improve. You will find your days easier and more pleasant and your self esteem will grow as you manage the "little things" in your life.
A healthy, efficient and practical approach to problems is to recognize that we are going to experience problems in our daily lives. The key is for us to handle them, by identifying the problem clearly, avoid embracing the problem as part of us and, as quickly as possible, focus on the solutions to the problem.
Lets say you are driving in your car and you have a flat tire. You have lots of choices. You can sit in the car and moan, cry and complain to yourself that you have a flat tire. You can call someone on your cell phone to tell them of your bad luck. You can fix the tire, complaining as you do and asking why these things always happen to you. You can then drive to work, spending the rest of the day telling everyone of your misfortune. When you go home at night you can repeat the story to everyone in the house. Maybe even keep it going by telling others over the next several days. OR you can get out of the car, fix the tire and get on with your life, recognizing that it had nothing to do with you and was a minor, and momentary, inconvenience. With the latter choice you dismiss the problem efficiently and move on to what is important to you.
Make it a point to not "make a mountain out of a mole hill". Put problems in their place by focusing on the solution. In doing so you will become expert and efficient and dispatching problems and issues in your life. People around you will notice your ease of handling problems and you will gain recognition for your composure and ability to manage daily issues. Relationships will improve. You will find your days easier and more pleasant and your self esteem will grow as you manage the "little things" in your life.
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What interests me in this essay is the thought of turning the focus on its head! How about thinking pro-actively and spend our time on finding the right things for our life so that we don't create the wrong things in the form of problems. I have been thinking about this idea for weeks from Brandi's inspirational words. Brandi is from Bed-Sty and is, by extension, my go to person for all things hip-hop. Although very different, we are office buddies and share a remarkable number of common interests. One thing we don't share is the love of exercise. While discussing our upcoming evening activities, she reminded me of her hit the snooze button mentality as regards the gym while marveling at my dedication to work outs, when finally exasperated, she exclaims "Girl - exercise is your crack"!
This random and entertaining comment won't leave me alone and daily I am haunted by thoughts of what is and is not "my crack". This is how I define "crack".
1) What we can't imagine life without
2) What absence we could not tolerate
3) What enriches us so greatly that, if lost, we would go into withdrawal
4) What defines who we are
5) What makes us smile
To that end, here are my lists which I've kept short to get at the heart of truthfulness.
My Crack:
1) Exercise (livestrong)
2) Music (it's a party in my head)
3) Certain people (you know who you are!)
4) Language (music for my soul)
5) Laughter (lighten your load)
6) Style (point me towards Bergdorf's)
7) Compassionate rough sex (try it, you might like it!)
Not my crack :
1) Kitsch
2) The Kindle
3) Maintenance sex
4) Those lacking a moral compass
5) Couch potatoes
6) Theme parks
7) Money
Having previously made other people the focus in my life, it should not surprise that I have long known what my ex-husband's crack was, while not even knowing my own. Nerou's crack is status - full stop -nothing less or more; it is his primary motivator. Early on I recognized this as I genuinely respected the man who could watch "The Killing Fields" without shedding a tear, pushing down his loss with detachment. I knew the enormity of what had been ripped away from him, of what he had lost and was indulgent with my understanding. Being the son of the former head of state of his country, having lost not only his homeland, property but also bright future in Cambodia, he actively cultivated relationships and situations which would give him status - the status he had lost by losing his birthright. He began the practice of sidelining his family and their needs to minister to friends and their needs as the validation he received in return was more valuable and nurturing to him. And they all loved him for his attention! We became bystanders to the fabric of his life, as the validation we offered did not come from the outside world and was less worthy. He devoted his energies to building his accounting practice (a laudable benefit to the family) as another form of seeking status as the boss of his firm, garnering respect and deference from his employees. However, the coup de grace, the beginning of the end came with my complicity as I, in my kindness or stupidity, let him become deeply engaged with a hospital project in Cambodia through the non-profit Friends without a Border. As the years progressed, FWAB contributed to his total dis-engagement from his family. Cambodia & the Angkor Children's Hospital held great appeal for him as it possessed an illusive " sexy factor". At its mention people oohed and aahed with great and general admiration of his efforts. Veritably, I had abetted my own downfall by giving him wide latitude and no boundaries in his desire to fulfill what I saw were his unique needs. How bittersweet - as it bit me in the ass in the form of a girlfriend in Cambodia!
cont'd
As it is both instructive and amusing, I challenge you to start thinking seriously about what is your crack; what do you crave, give top priority, really want urgently, can't imagine life without. By doing this mental exercise, we force ourselves to prioritize our life. It's not a simple task to be brutally honest about what we crave as it takes effort to stay focused on paring down the list to the essential. I occasionally discover another thing to add to my list but check myself by asking how essential is it to my happiness. In the end, the result of this effort is manifold. By prioritizing what is most meaningful to us, when the inevitable losing of things occurs in life, it assuages our minor losses better by reminding us just what is vital. In its sum, the list represents who we really are.
As I thought about my choices, it revealed itself in terms of what I would give anything to have, the things I want above all else. I had a eureka moment when I admitted what I never openly acknowledged - I don't crave money! This statement would elicit a strangled chortle from my ex as he would be visualizing the AMEX bill. What he would miss is that, although having a great appreciation for things of beauty, i.e. what money can buy; I don't crave nor am motivated by the acquisition of money as an end of itself. This brings me to a present dilemma - how to manage with much less money to get my crack! At my age, it is indisputable that it's "all about maintenance" in the effort to preserve whatever good DNA we got from our mama. Wanting and wishing to "look like a million without a million" has now become both an urgent challenge and a daily amusement to see how I can make more out of a little.
The other added benefit of this approach is the focus it gives to our actions, acquisitions and outlook. Desiring the few & select, we no longer waste our energy trying to achieve marginally useful endgames. In the end, we can find life simplified, more manageable, even serene, as we proceed purposefully. It might seem perverse to associate crack with solutions as in real life it causes so many problems! Yet, the next time you are in church, bored with randomly considering whom you'd have sex with, try an alternative and prioritize what is your crack. Let your life depend on your active choices, i.e. your crack, and notice the direction it takes towards fulfillment. So be ruthlessly honest about just what you can't live without and make sure that you don’t'! By ordering our lives in a pro-active fashion, we can minimize our problems and rather, watch our happiness grow.
From my new favorite song come these words which sum it up in the suggestion to not waste it so that you can get wasted. Find your crack and get wasted on it - on life, on everything that is right for you.
P.S. Today is music appreciation day.
"Wasted" by LP (abridged)
Don't waste it
It's only here for today
You don't own it
So you can't just give it away
Forever is half a moment away
So don't waste it
It's only here for today
Everything is waiting here
Get wasted on love, get wasted on life, get wasted on anything that's right.
Get wasted, get wasted, get wasted, get wasted with me.
It seems empty
I don't know what you expect
If you don't give
You're never going to get
Forever is half a moment away
You don't get back
What you threw away
So don't waste it
It's only here for today
Everything is waiting here
Get wasted on love, get wasted on life, get wasted on anything that's right.
Get wasted, get wasted, get wasted, get wasted with me
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