Whether you think you can or can't you are right. Our self talk, whether it be that quiet "voice" in our head, or a verbal pronouncement is the predictor, not the reflection, of our personal destiny. I am not talking about self talk such as idle boasting or trash talking which often masks an inner fear. I am talking about our self view, our self belief, confidence, or lack thereof, and the messages that we "feed" ourselves day in-day out. The person who laments "I can't do it", "I am not smart enough", "I am not strong enough", "I don't know what to do", "Why do things always happen to me?", " I could never, I won't ever, I don't think I can, I don't know how" .....these are all negative self proclamations that often lead to negative results. They are also negative internal messages that feed ones belief system with doubt, resignation, and defeat and ultimately undermine hope. Another thing negative self talk does is block our natural problem solving and solutions oriented thinking. By dwelling on reasons why we can't achieve something we take up energy, time and space from solutions thinking and creativity which leads to problem solving and answers. An interesting thing happens within us when we say "I can".....our entire consciousness goes into action seeking answers and solutions that validates that belief. To achieve anything begin by planting the seeds of belief within yourself. Follow with the self talk of belief; "I can". Then turn your "I Can's" into "I did's".
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It seems self evident that possessing the ability to turn the negative into the positive would be a useful attribute and way to approach life. If so, what prevents us from doing this? Can we re-order our thinking to embrace the challenges in our lives so as to surpass them?
In seeking the answers to these fundamental questions I find myself recalling my past. It becomes abundantly clear that my family life was marked by massive doses of the negative. My youngest daughter told me that recently witnessing my capacity for great change gave her hope to change. Although the divorce was cataclysmic for both my daughters and me, it was punctuated by reminders of positive self-talk. Janine, the writer of so many love notes to me, posted a handmade sign prominently in my bedroom: "I am strong & optimistic as the head of this household". It was her vision of our future as a family of three. Knowing that I finally fulfilled her wish through positive change is bittersweet but redemptive. Each daughter offers different qualities for a mother to love. Janine is capable of playing “rock, paper, scissors” with her boyfriend in Japanese. Justine, who can't remember correctly where to place a comma, once organized the spring-cleaning of our bookshelf, cataloguing the hundreds of books into sections. (the self help section dominates). Justine is practical, whereas Janine is cerebral. Together they are my perfect teachers!
Often the negative is not only expressed in our defeatist attitudes but by judging others' actions which we might consider negative. By keeping it in a state of neutrality, we might not "go negative". My children did not benefit from a serene childhood. Being Italian and hot-blooded, I've heard my fair share of "Calme-toi" from my ex, to my great exasperation. The explosive nature of my marital relationship could not help but spill over to my children’s' lives and often they implored me to not speak in English because anger was easier in the mother tongue. One evening, probably during a reading of "Great Expectations", Justine taught me a great lesson. After our spat, she looked down at me from her upper bunk bed and quietly told me "I love you more after we fight". How extraordinary and magical were these words which, years later, never fail to make me love her more. When we open our hearts with love to see others' problems without judgment, we have the ability to turn the negative into the positive, bringing us to a greater understanding of those we cherish. Justine looked into my soul, saw my pain and loved me more deeply for it. In the adult world, this is most pleasingly translated to the anticipation of make up sex and demonstrates vividly that the negative discord of arguments can be transformed into something very positive.
cont'd
Today I make a daily effort, perhaps with a yoga mantra to help, to go positive not postal! Looking back has taught me that my anger and hurt at other people's actions (husband, mother, sister, friends) could have been better managed by avoiding negative reactions to their actions. The urgent need I felt to condemn my ex for his actions has been replaced by a neutral feeling to limit myself to how I want to react, getting out of the business of judging others' actions. I've learned to enjoy having control over my reactions to any given situation. The goal is not to deny the hurt but to move past it positively to an eventual place of forgiveness. Rather than cultivating a moral superiority when we judge others, we can cultivate a moral detachment as we focus on our own actions. In the end, we know very little about another human being and their motivations, unless like me, they share their personal feelings excessively. Being respectful of the choices others make, even when they hurt us, demonstrating the love we have for humanity in our refusal to go to that negative place, we end up helping ourselves the most. What is best about this "can do " attitude is the happiness and pleasure that we self generate by knowing that we can pull a suitable reaction out of our rear upon a moment's notice. We control our own destiny.
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