Sunday, December 14, 2008
IDENFITY PROBLEMS BUT DWELL ON SOLUTIONS
December 2008. This is a time when most us are effected by the difficult economy and circumstances effecting our financial well being. There is a general "fear factor" that is daunting for some some of us and near paralyzing for others. The media seems to focus and dwell on the problems and there appear to be few representatives of hope and belief for a better tomorrow. The choice is ours to either get to work creating solutions or otherwise be left to spend our time dwelling on the problems and rehashing day after day, week after week, who is responsible and why blame or responsibility is not our own. We hope that "somebody" will come up with a solution or deliver an answer for us. Often we spend so much time dwelling our fate that we make a "mountain out of a mole hill. This backward thinking is not unlike when personal problems beset some people. They choose to react dramatically to the problem, sharing with those closest to them their unfortunate fate or circumstance. Some people almost seem to enjoy the attention or pity the receive when they recount their difficulty almost as a hypochondriac feels loved by the attention of those sorrowed by their circumstance. They choose to dwell on the problem over and over and over and exacerbate the "problem" or as my mother used to say "wallow in the mud" (of their dire circumstances). My mother also had an expression "you made your bed now lay in it". She would point out that it was one's own responsibility for their current situation and that it was their responsbility to make a change of it. Certainly The Problem is not the Answer. The answer or resolution to any problem comes only when we move off the problem and onto the business of creating solutions and executing the actions that deliver us from our dilemma. The sooner one gets off the problem and onto the solution the quicker the problem is resolved and the less it impacts our life. So Identify problems but quickly move to dwell on solutions then take action to resolve your situation.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
The Problem is not the Answer..... moving off the problem to the solution by taking responsibility for our actions and, by extension, of our lives. You were indeed fortunate if your mother taught you this lesson as neither my mother or several therapists were able to elucidate this truism for me until recently. Interestingly enough, necessity is often the mother of invention - my emotional survival depended on this, so I finally learned it.
I experienced a very special "AHA" moment when I realized that it was I who was responsible for being aware of and setting my limits, needs, feelings and preferences and clearly communicating such to others. Furthermore, it was my responsibility to assess whether an individual was able or willing to meet my needs. For years, my failure to understand the relationship of responsibility to my happiness was a major problem in my life and, as a result, the source of great unhappiness. Sadly, it took me years to learn that the solution (as it often is) was right within me. I discovered that if someone is not meeting my clearly set needs, it was up to me to say "basta" and move on. Stupidly, I only learned this when the other person decided to move on, left me behind unceremoniously, usurping the offensive and by doing so, dooming me to constantly reacting in a defensive and powerless fashion - ultimately causing me great hurt. The redemptive piece of this story is that, having learned this exceedingly painful lesson, I will never again give up my right and responsibility to set my boundaries, define my needs and assess the likelihood of the outcome.
During this period of time, a very dear friend told me not to worry so much about what I was "getting" in life but rather, what I was "giving". This was during a time when I was getting very little, so it was a hard concept to get my head around. What moral responsibility do we have to give to others? Do we feel better by giving than getting? These are very potent questions. At times, Kevin's sage advice seemed to help me come to terms with the meagerness of my new existence, emotionally, financially and psychologically. However, I have come to a more nuanced understanding of the ideal of giving, one that includes the concept of balance. I recollected that I have the propensity to "over-give", something that might seem laudable at first glance. What is my motivation to do this? I recall that in my relationship it was I who was always giving and rarely getting, setting me up for great disappointment, frustration, even anger. I was very angry because I was not "getting" in return and giving so very much. I now realize that I bear much responsibility for that unhappiness. I don't think that I paused to let the other have an opportunity to give as I was always rushing in with my giving. Furthermore, i accustomed him through the repetition of my actions to be the receiver and not the giver. Once again, finding that "space" in our lives to let something else find its way in is instructive. Had I rather had the impulse to give and let give, I might have been more pleasantly surprised. I understand now that I over-give because I am afraid that the other will not give in return, i.e not choose to validate me. It was a less frightening scenario to avoid confirmation that I was not adequately loved. I doubt greatly that my ex would have been inspired to give significantly in return, even with the opportunity, but at the very least - and very, very importantly - I would have learned this so much sooner and been empowered to move on to a more satisfying relationship. Assuming the responsibility for my life and my happiness is the mark of a fearless woman. In the end, as with so many things, it is more fruitful to seek balance in all we do, even in our giving.
Post a Comment