Faith, Belief, Trust, Hope - the foundation for LOVE

The following is a re-post of my first blog essay "Faith" written and posted October 2007. In my immediate circumstance I find it just as pertinent, to my life today, as it was five years ago. FAITH: It all begins with faith. We need hope. We need to believe we can make change, make a difference, move forward, step up, gain momentum, achieve our dreams, make a better life, give of ourselves. Faith comes from someplace deep inside.....a kind of trusting of the unknown. A key for us is to develop a trust that we are destined to succeed. For some that means validating the steps of their lives that have brought them to this point. For others it means that the past means nothing (in terms of achievement) and that only the present and the future are focal points on which to build. All of the "good mother" messages, all of the encouragement from friends or family, all of the books, the tapes, the outside motivations.....mean little. It must come from within. That inner devine guidance. Belief, trust, hope are reflections or self statements of the heart. Success is a step by step process ("little steps") ("a journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step, one before the other"). Begin with a foundation of faith.........find that deep light of faith within yourself and follow it to success. Faith, trust, believe are the foundation and the starting point of all success and achievement.

We lost a part of ourselves

The person we loved was so close he/she could complete our sentences. They knew what we were feeling by our body language or the tilt of our head, or a look in our eyes. We shared a rhythm in life. We felt their pain, and they felt ours, We felt their joy, and they felt ours. We put each other first, ahead of ourselves. We felt their hand on us at night and fell asleep comforted by their touch. We pleased each other at every turn. We thought first of her or him whenever good things happened or bad things happened. The one person who we knew cared for us beyond all others. That loss is a severe blow. Now alone, in the night, the TV or the sterio doesn't fill the void. Friends calling, children's care, helps but doesn't replace love lost. It doesn't replace the loss of shared dreams, our hopes our plans for the future. If we have commonality then it is that I feel your affection, your need for the kiss, the touch, the embrace the long walks, the quiet talks, and that feeling that it will be "OK"............I am in this place of loss just wandering wondering how will I recover from this need to give need to share need to receive.

To be loved is a gift beyond all others. The universe is entirely about love. Love is the heartbeat of life. I was blessed to be loved in a way that made me feel special, made me feel as a man needs to feel, made me feel assured and confident in her dedication to me as the most important person in her life. And, I loved her in the same way. She was my everything. I delighted in acts of kindness and gifts of grace and goodness to her every day. Sometimes a wink across the room, a call to her for lunch, easing her worry about some little thing, encouraging her to wear the red dress, reminding her how beautiful she was then and now. Verbal flowers, a gentle kiss, spooning in bed, and always putting her first before everyone and everything. We never went a day without saying "I love you". We talked. We listened. We never sat and said nothing. We shared everything. Every little thing. We were best friends. Constant companions. She was my champion. I was her biggest fan. We took pride in each other, encouraged each other and supported each other in every endeavor. We made joint decisions and shared the relationship.

This depth of love and intimacy didn't come overnight. Love takes time to learn about each other, develop trust, find common ground, make little sacrifices for each other, learn each others dreams, be patient with each other, forgiveness is the gift of grace open minded, open hearted putting her well being first. I was honored to adore her and to be inspired by her. When one knows the depth of love possible it is not difficult to dream that it may come around the next corner or bend in the road. Be ready.

THE YEAR OF GRACE - GRIEF AND HOPE

The caregiving is over. The memorial service planned and delivered. The flowers wilted and gone except for a single lavender rose that I pressed in her Bible. The kids have returned to their homes in Seattle. Her family returned to their homes in Florida and Georgia and Arkansas. Its quiet in the house. I can't watch TV or listen to music or read a paper. I need the stillness as if I too am dead. When they found the tumor 10 months ago we had hope. We believed we could fight and manage the cancer and live for years as so many of our neighbors and friends have done. But hers was aggressive and unbending. She was courageous in the fight, never gave up hope, always believed and was determined to the end. And she did it all with such elegance, poise, grace and will. Her will to live, her will to retain her dignity was the strongest thing I have ever witnessed and probably ever will. It inspired me and I wanted to do everything for her, to help her and to make the most out of every precious moment we had left. But even the moments dwindled away too fast and time was escaping; sand in an hourglass that appears to slide through the passageway at an ever escalating speed until the last grains literally rush to the end. The journey was full of lessons but lessons I would have preferred to learn some other way. Looking back it was a year of trial and unending challenges that tested our faith, strength and endurance in every way. On November 14th I promised her I would be there, with her, holding her hand at every moment, every step every minute of every day and I held true to that promise. I gave my best and I delivered my service and love to her with gentleness, kindness, respect and the tenderness that she deserved. Now I am in a fog, in a maze of grief, that seems to ebb and flow at some uneven pace. I do not know how to manage this pain other than to just step forward one step at a time and embrace hope and give of myself to others with kindness and understanding. Maybe that is the test of this time, for me, through this experience to prove myself a better man than I was and to take the lessons she taught me, especially in this last year of Grace, to renew my own days with grace and goodness. As painful as it is I sense that by enduring the pain ( not denying it) will steel me for the future, will soften that part of my heart that otherwise would be hardened. And so I will grieve and let the waves of sadness wash over me yet continue to swim in the waters of life ever determined to stay afloat and be a survivor for myself, for others, and maybe some day, for another.

IDEALIZED PROJECTION

I feel fortunate to be a "look forward" person. I don't spend much time dwelling on the past although I certainly look to the past to learn from my mistakes. I also have, not many, but some regrets for those times I may have gotten lost along the way. When it comes to people I usually see others not as they are but as they can be. In doing so I find myself looking past most of their faults, in essence minimizing their faults relative to their best qualities. In rare cases I am entirely blinded to their faults. In those instances I "see" the person as nearly perfect and as an idealized projection of what I want to believe about this person. It is not unlike a dreamlike perception where you see the angelic beauty of a person with no faults, negatives or drawbacks. Perhaps seeing the other as a perfect version of ones self.

On the surface it seems like idealized projection is a wonderful quality that allows me to see the beauty and the potential of that individual; and in many ways it is. In his fiction book "Illusions", Richard Bach proclaims "the sky is always perfect, always changing, but always perfect". That is true about us as human beings as well. We are always as we are meant to be any particular moment. However idealized projection does carry a risk. Like others, I am often "let down" or dissapointed when the person turns out to be not entirely as I envisioned them. Over time as the reality of a person is revealed I may find that there is more of a balance between the fine attributes and the fine character flaws, the human frailties, which we all possess. In the exhuberance or romance of early acquaintance a person projects his or her hope of what that new individual might be like. This is probably especially true in romance but it is also true in normal every day meetings and encounters. Idealized projection which might also called idolized projection is not a "bad" thing. It is a way of looking at the world, maybe what was once called "through rose colored glasses" and yet perhaps the opposite of looking at the world through cynicysm and an overly critical eye. The key, for me, is to be aware of my tendency to "shade" my encounters to the benefit of the bearer and to know that there may be more to that person than the eye can readily see.

The Accidental Obsession

Walking through a field beats down the bush into a hardened trail not unlike how the trail beats down the weary traveler who has traversed this path so many times before. As the trail begins to deepen and form a rut if we are lucky we awaken to the stark realization that we are now in it and passing through it and have been for some length of time, at least long enough to form the rut. Then as we are thinking about how and if and when we might find our way out, it starts to rain and the rain becomes muck and the muck becomes mud. Often at this point we discover that we are on a slippery slope. We sometimes wallow in the muck of our own creation burying even the idea of getting out. One day, by happenstance or by design, we find the turf of our trail is dryed by the dawn of a new day. Suddenly we find ourselves on a trail amidst a field of brilliant purple clover. At that moment, but only if we are lucky, and fully aware or entirely determined, can we move our small steps, just a little, to step up out of the rut of our making. At that moment we find our toes are no longer stuck in the muck nor in the lost days of our past. We discover we can run freely through the waving grasses. We smell the sweet perfect clover at our feet. And in that singular moment, when we are self freed of the ruts of our past, it may be hard to look back and understand just how we got there in the first place. We wonder why we waited so long to step out to where we belong. And yet the better part of ourselves drinks in the knowledge that we were, then, lost souls, on a trail of dust, of our own making, swirling around us and that that chaos blocked even the view, of the beauty so seemingly so far, yet actually so near. We see ourselves embrace the hope of a new beginning. Our new start is grounded with the wisdom of our past travels along the rutted road. For only by leaving the rutted roads of our past may we find the sweet fields and green pastures of our future.

How much fun can one man have?

My business life has evolved into the joy of investing heavily in sports stadiums and arenas, professional leagues and teams, concert halls and live music venues, historic live theatrical venues, collegiate teams, stadiums and arenas, zoos and aquariums, museums and amusement parks and venues. I toil at travel to these fascinating places and great people who, mostly, love their work at something they are passionate about. For me it is not work but a true combination of "business and pleasure". How fortunate I am to have stumbled into such a venture. Just how much fun can one man have? A lot of fun!