HAPPY VALENTINES 2013

My mom died on Valentines day on February 14, 1972. I was just 23 years old then. She was a simple, kind and gracious woman, full of love and understanding. She instilled a lifelong love of people in my life. She taught me to see the good in others, to be kind and patient, and to find that special "something" in each person that made them unique to me. I celebrate this Valentines day in honor of my mom and in love and honor of the special people who touch me so dearly.///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// My wife Ginger died just 5 months and 23 days ago. She was my ultimate romantic love. I lived to pleased Ginger. We shared a great love and a great life. Ginger loved making beautiful Valentines gifts of flowers and goodies which she would deliver to friends and family. She filled Valentines cards with little red heart confetti and sent them off to family. When they opened the card the dozens of tiny red hearts would fluttered to the carpet making the recipient smile at the mischievousness of their aunt, sister, grandma, or step-mom Ginger. The gift of giving is a gift to oneself and Ginger was the ultimate giver. It’s no wonder she had such great self esteem for she was good and honest and giving love to others every day of her life. It’s a great example that our “bucket” of love is unending. We always have more to give and plenty to go around./////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// My daughter Tami called me last night, to wish me Happy Valentines Day. She was baking cookies and wished she could send me some. I wished I were eating them here in my Tampa hotel room, but mostly I was proud that Tami was doing something nurturing for herself. She is doing so great and I am so proud of her.////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// My son Derek called to offer to help me move. So kind of him. I think he might help save my back in the act of sorting and packing 28 years of “stuff”. We’ll be moving it from the beach to the desert in the coming weeks. Good Son! So proud.//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// My Cincinnati friend and business team associate Christy called me to wish me Happy Valentines. She told me funny stories and anecdotes about her life. I realized she was simply calling me out of the kindness and goodness of her heart, thinking of how difficult this day might be on me. To me, that takes a special person to think of someone else. I keep encouraging Christy to “write” because she is smart, fun and has such great stories. A great title for her next book could be “A Dole Life”. ( a “play” on the word Dole, as in “ A Dull Life”, of Christy Dole, whose life, to me, is anything but dull ) For instance yesterday, when she was done with work she went home to decompress from the stresses of the office. Once home she commandeered the kitchen, asked for quiet and silently, except for her IPod music of Metallica blasting in her head, began to furiously bake cupcakes. Then, after the baking of several dozen, she began to consume, one by one the cakes. Now, svelte Christy does not look like she is a cupcake addict, yet I have this vision of her burying her happy face in those mounds of iced little cakes. Later that night ( the night before Valentines Day) Christy happily went to sleep with visions of cupcakes and frosting dancing in her head, and probably not but a little icing left at the corners of her mouth. In the middle of the night her daughter, Gabby’s, cat "Tabatha", sat waiting to pounce, leaped from some high place above the bed, and landed on Christy’s sleeping face. As a startled Christy awoke the little Tabby, launched herself again, and with one claw planted squarely on Christy’s lower lip the cat barreled off the bed leaving a bewildered cupcake addict, now with a split, bleeding and rapidly swelling lower lip. By the time Valentines day morning arrived Christy presented herself to family and co-workers with the look of a recent Botox treatment gone bad. Happy Valentines Day, Christy. Thank you for making my day brighter!

I MISS YOU EVERY DAY AND EVERY NIGHT > It’s been 5 months and 5 days since you left me. I miss you terribly. I long for your voice, your hand, your kiss. I am lost without you I find myself stumbling through the days. And, tossing-turning through the nights. > They say the pain will ease in time. That my heart will mend. That I will pick up the pieces and move forward again. But I want only to have you back by my side walking hand in hand. You are the one who forever loved me. And, I loved you always. > You know how much I loved you. I loved you beyond words as you loved me. I could not get enough of you. We felt each other’s love so deeply. You were grace, elegance, honor and integrity combined. Your beauty was in loving me truly as I was, and am still yours. > I am heartbroken and although at times I feel I am healing I fall apart again every other day and in between I try to put on a brave face just as you had wanted then find myself holding my breath as if awaiting your return. > They said you held on so long, knowing I would be in such pain. And, they told me to say “good bye” and to let you go. I did so, yet it crushed me to say good bye. you knew it was I who needed you most of all. > And, now I face another night, sadness my companion. I bravely think of all we did and said and shared. I am grateful for every moment we were blessed to share together. And hopefully will fall asleep knowing you are watching over me as always.

IN MY FINAL HOUR

In my final hour who will be at my side? Who will come to comfort me or be comforted by me?... In my final hour will someone take my hand? or kiss my lips or look into my eyes and know that I mattered... In my final hour when light fades to dark will I walk into the night alone or have you there beside me?... I am comforted by your voice I am assured by your breathing I am calmed by your touch and at peace in your presence... Just being here with you in the quiet with no words I am grateful for the gift of you and pray for one more day... And, if GOD grant me another day with you I will treasure it like no other and be fulfilled anew... Yes, In the final hour I will be at your side to comfort you and comfort me and love you forever... .

Faith, Belief, Trust, Hope - the foundation for LOVE

The following is a re-post of my first blog essay "Faith" written and posted October 2007. In my immediate circumstance I find it just as pertinent, to my life today, as it was five years ago. FAITH: It all begins with faith. We need hope. We need to believe we can make change, make a difference, move forward, step up, gain momentum, achieve our dreams, make a better life, give of ourselves. Faith comes from someplace deep inside.....a kind of trusting of the unknown. A key for us is to develop a trust that we are destined to succeed. For some that means validating the steps of their lives that have brought them to this point. For others it means that the past means nothing (in terms of achievement) and that only the present and the future are focal points on which to build. All of the "good mother" messages, all of the encouragement from friends or family, all of the books, the tapes, the outside motivations.....mean little. It must come from within. That inner devine guidance. Belief, trust, hope are reflections or self statements of the heart. Success is a step by step process ("little steps") ("a journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step, one before the other"). Begin with a foundation of faith.........find that deep light of faith within yourself and follow it to success. Faith, trust, believe are the foundation and the starting point of all success and achievement.

We lost a part of ourselves

The person we loved was so close he/she could complete our sentences. They knew what we were feeling by our body language or the tilt of our head, or a look in our eyes. We shared a rhythm in life. We felt their pain, and they felt ours, We felt their joy, and they felt ours. We put each other first, ahead of ourselves. We felt their hand on us at night and fell asleep comforted by their touch. We pleased each other at every turn. We thought first of her or him whenever good things happened or bad things happened. The one person who we knew cared for us beyond all others. That loss is a severe blow. Now alone, in the night, the TV or the sterio doesn't fill the void. Friends calling, children's care, helps but doesn't replace love lost. It doesn't replace the loss of shared dreams, our hopes our plans for the future. If we have commonality then it is that I feel your affection, your need for the kiss, the touch, the embrace the long walks, the quiet talks, and that feeling that it will be "OK"............I am in this place of loss just wandering wondering how will I recover from this need to give need to share need to receive.

To be loved is a gift beyond all others. The universe is entirely about love. Love is the heartbeat of life. I was blessed to be loved in a way that made me feel special, made me feel as a man needs to feel, made me feel assured and confident in her dedication to me as the most important person in her life. And, I loved her in the same way. She was my everything. I delighted in acts of kindness and gifts of grace and goodness to her every day. Sometimes a wink across the room, a call to her for lunch, easing her worry about some little thing, encouraging her to wear the red dress, reminding her how beautiful she was then and now. Verbal flowers, a gentle kiss, spooning in bed, and always putting her first before everyone and everything. We never went a day without saying "I love you". We talked. We listened. We never sat and said nothing. We shared everything. Every little thing. We were best friends. Constant companions. She was my champion. I was her biggest fan. We took pride in each other, encouraged each other and supported each other in every endeavor. We made joint decisions and shared the relationship.

This depth of love and intimacy didn't come overnight. Love takes time to learn about each other, develop trust, find common ground, make little sacrifices for each other, learn each others dreams, be patient with each other, forgiveness is the gift of grace open minded, open hearted putting her well being first. I was honored to adore her and to be inspired by her. When one knows the depth of love possible it is not difficult to dream that it may come around the next corner or bend in the road. Be ready.

THE YEAR OF GRACE - GRIEF AND HOPE

The caregiving is over. The memorial service planned and delivered. The flowers wilted and gone except for a single lavender rose that I pressed in her Bible. The kids have returned to their homes in Seattle. Her family returned to their homes in Florida and Georgia and Arkansas. Its quiet in the house. I can't watch TV or listen to music or read a paper. I need the stillness as if I too am dead. When they found the tumor 10 months ago we had hope. We believed we could fight and manage the cancer and live for years as so many of our neighbors and friends have done. But hers was aggressive and unbending. She was courageous in the fight, never gave up hope, always believed and was determined to the end. And she did it all with such elegance, poise, grace and will. Her will to live, her will to retain her dignity was the strongest thing I have ever witnessed and probably ever will. It inspired me and I wanted to do everything for her, to help her and to make the most out of every precious moment we had left. But even the moments dwindled away too fast and time was escaping; sand in an hourglass that appears to slide through the passageway at an ever escalating speed until the last grains literally rush to the end. The journey was full of lessons but lessons I would have preferred to learn some other way. Looking back it was a year of trial and unending challenges that tested our faith, strength and endurance in every way. On November 14th I promised her I would be there, with her, holding her hand at every moment, every step every minute of every day and I held true to that promise. I gave my best and I delivered my service and love to her with gentleness, kindness, respect and the tenderness that she deserved. Now I am in a fog, in a maze of grief, that seems to ebb and flow at some uneven pace. I do not know how to manage this pain other than to just step forward one step at a time and embrace hope and give of myself to others with kindness and understanding. Maybe that is the test of this time, for me, through this experience to prove myself a better man than I was and to take the lessons she taught me, especially in this last year of Grace, to renew my own days with grace and goodness. As painful as it is I sense that by enduring the pain ( not denying it) will steel me for the future, will soften that part of my heart that otherwise would be hardened. And so I will grieve and let the waves of sadness wash over me yet continue to swim in the waters of life ever determined to stay afloat and be a survivor for myself, for others, and maybe some day, for another.