Often when trying to make a point or win someone to our way of thinking we engage words, tone or emotion in ways that are self defeating to our objective. This note is about removing harshness and confrontation from communication so that our message is more clearly heard and so that the reception, by the person we are trying to persuade, leads to the heart then the head.
It seems to me that our society has become, in many cases, too confrontational. The idea of drubbing someone, by force, to sucumb to our way of thinking is a step backward and has never worked, whatever the period of history. In most cases we destroy relationships, trust or belief in us if we attack another. In striving for success we want to engender positiveness and belief in our goodness and rightness. The best way to do that is to show your opponent or counterpart that you have their good being at heart, that you care, and that your position is of benefit to them.
Debaters, negotiators or anyone who wishes to make a point, have their idea well received, or win a discussion would do well to consider a very simple old adage; "It is easier to attract bees with honey than with vinegar". I recommend softening your tone, mixing in politeness. Begin with a compliment or agreement then make your point or idea in a friendly persuasive way.
It seems to me that our society has become, in many cases, too confrontational. The idea of drubbing someone, by force, to sucumb to our way of thinking is a step backward and has never worked, whatever the period of history. In most cases we destroy relationships, trust or belief in us if we attack another. In striving for success we want to engender positiveness and belief in our goodness and rightness. The best way to do that is to show your opponent or counterpart that you have their good being at heart, that you care, and that your position is of benefit to them.
Debaters, negotiators or anyone who wishes to make a point, have their idea well received, or win a discussion would do well to consider a very simple old adage; "It is easier to attract bees with honey than with vinegar". I recommend softening your tone, mixing in politeness. Begin with a compliment or agreement then make your point or idea in a friendly persuasive way.
2 comments:
It is a very true to state that our society today has become exceedingly confrontational and we witness daily examples of the use of power over others in the verbal, political and business arenas. This concept was recently illustrated by my daughter who is currently dating a law student at Columbia, an uber-competitive environment of high achievers who, among friends, are into "powning" each other or power - owning. Their antics are varied in their humiliation and may be considered juvenile at best, however entertaining to outside observers. I have come late in life to this idea of exerting my personal power, living as I did in the shadow of an individual who thought he was all powerful as his reply to those exclaiming, "Oh, my God..." was YES!" I can tell you that it wasn't easy getting out of that shadow of arrogance.
However, better late than never and I have now arrived at the time in my life when I think actively about using my personal power positively as I cultivate artful push back. The most interesting use of personal power is of course, with the opposite sex. So, ladies, to understand push back as regards men, it might be instructive to take a moment and consider some examples of men who might relish push back employed as an art. I respectfully submit the gold standard short list:
Donald Trump (as long as the woman is also a "babe")
Arnold Swartzenegger ("The Terminator" and politico)
Alex Rodgriguez (he can handle Madonna)
Emanuel Rahm (he can handle Congress & Michelle Obama)
Bruce Springsteen (The Boss could handle anything)
Of course, there are examples of negative personal power:
Jon Gosselin (pussy whipped by Kate during their marriage and now outsmarts him with her media savvy during divorce)
The wielding of personal power can of course be useful in the arena of online dating. I encountered this recently with M who, annoying me hopelessly with his whining, realized that he had messed up the love game and now wants to be my friend. First of all, I employ a male tactic and ignore his email for a couple of days as surely women can do this too! Actually, I'm not wild about the idea of having men as friends. Why would I need a hetero guy as a friend as that's what gay men friends are for who, besides, dress and dance much better. Maybe I would consider a metrosexual but being friends with a guy always enters a place of ambiguity which is not, in my opinion, conducive to harmony. One can use personal power and push back to set the necessary boundaries in online dating. I have been know to answer guys who were not in the tri-state area with a "sorry to say that you are geographically unsuitable", now modified to something less sassy as in , "Sadly, you and I are geographically unsuitable. Good Luck to you" . Or informing (nicely because I am also lovable) a persistent IMer that answering his messages is not front & center of my universe.
I have noticed that young women have a greater facility in pushing back and owning their attitude. We don't have to go much farther than current song lyrics of female artists such as PInk (I'm not here for your entertainment. Don't mess with me tonight") or Avril Lavigne, abridged below:
Girlfriend lyrics
Hey, hey, you, you, I don't like your girlfriend
No way, no way, I think you need a new one
Hey, hey, you, you, I could be your girlfriend
Oh, in a second you'll be wrapped around my finger
Woo, 'cause I can, ?cause I can do it better
There's no other, so when's it gonna sink in?
Hey, she's so stupid, just what were you thinking?
She's like so whatever
You could do so much better
I think we should get together now
And that's what everybody?s talking about
So come over here and tell me what I wanna hear
Better yet, make your girlfriend disappear
I don't wanna hear you say her name ever again
And again and again and again
cont'd
Ladies, unfortunately, I have the depressing observation to make that it will not be easy to find a male who enjoys your push back. Being few and far between, they are keepers, similar to the middle-aged white male who likes to dance. It was a most discouraging exchange on my dating site when I poked the profile of a guy who professed to possess culinary abiltiy which he was eager to share with his lady-love. In reply, I not only offered to divulge my favorite French vinaigrette receipe but magnanimously to be his prep bitch on the occasion of his choosing in his very own kitchen! Needless to say, fat chance of an ingenious and spirited answer from this virtual pussy.
In closing, girls, let's be savvy and channel the energy of my perenial favorite Bonnie Raiit who counsels us that "Look comes to push/Push comes to shove/Shoves comes to touch/Touch will come to love" Don't be passive observers of our lives, including our love lives. Say and do what you want, use your personal power and push back as needed without regret for the consequences. I would even go so far as to suggest, as I do, playing a little game of actively checking out the men you encounter randomly, as on the subway or in a place where you are captive, as you mentally decide with whom you'd choose to have sex. It just might happen, without any argument or confrontation!
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