I have learned that isolating is a "cover" for me and I don't think it is all good. For some reason I have a tendency to pull back, keep an arms length, turn away, or otherwise seek the shelter of isolation. I think it is an expression of fear or maybe low self-esteem (which is fear). Sometimes I isolate by doing social things. I go to a social event but talk to no one. I visit the bookstore and sit in a corner. I listen to my ipod in the midst of a crowded plane. I find that in much of my work I avoid face to face encounters. Its easier over the telephone or maybe by sending an email. I tend to withdraw from any type of commitment that would take me more than a few minutes. My reading or my writing would appear to be forms of isolating. I think I have always had this tendency to "hide" or to keep to myself. And yet few, even those who know me well, would think that I isolate. I think they would see me as outgoing, engaging and entertaining. I know I have a love of people and in many ways it is easy for me to be around people. But maybe that is the "rub". Maybe it is easier for me to be around people than it is to have them be around me? Maybe it is that part of me where somewhere deep inside I don't feel I can "let them in". I started this blog session with the idea that I would write about isolation. And I now sit and write in isolation. I know it feels "safe" but it also feels lonely on this mountain.
4 comments:
Climb down from your mountain...there is a wonderful world beneath and within you~~Char
I find your words on isolation of particular interest and wonder if it reflects the general male perspective. It brings painfully to mind that moment in my life of "de-coupling" when everything was so wrenching and not amusing. I can now look back at this episode with some bemusement.
The scene is a therapist's office and Dr. T, in an effort to help us make an informed decision about our future, offers a novel suggestion. She gives us instructions to go on a date, something that is greeted by less than major enthusiasm on both sides - perhaps less on his as she decrees that it be at the MoMA. We are told to spend twenty minutes viewing the collection separately and then 20 minutes together to be followed by a meal together during which we pretend we just met (good luck with that…). We are to report back to her.
This "test" becomes the determining factor of the rest of my life. I can't imagine the importance of her simple question to relate to her how we felt on both the alone and together time. It appears that I am not bothered by perusing the tableaux alone, as I have ample practice doing this but prefer to share the experience, pointing out the scenes that evoke communality - from our experiences in Morocco and Aix en Provence to name a few. He, on the other hand, has zero interest in the time spent "sharing" the experience, and openly declares that he prefers to view solo. He is not totally bothered by my presence but not remotely enriched by it. I am like a fly on the wall which at times comes into his perspective.
Dr. T listens and then proceeds without preamble to tell us to get a divorce. I am a little stunned but not much surprised. I quickly realize what I have avoided forever - that this person has no interest in being with me, sharing with me, God knows, perhaps not sharing with anyone and I should not make it my problem any more. Of course, it takes me months to be even able to confront the "D" word but somehow, after digesting this personal tableau, it makes sense to me to separate.
Although I am now happily "unmarried" from this person, I continue to wonder if this is representative of most men. Your commentary here would suggest that it is, at the very least, representative in some measure of you. In the end, we all do have the God given choice to be with others or ourselves. I can't imagine a world where I would suffice unto myself and always come back to thinking how enlivened my life is for others. What I think is that, as for my ex, many wish to enjoy companionship on their own terms, not wishing to engage in the dance of compromise.
The last sentence in the previous comment….”many wish to enjoy companionship on their terms, not wishing to engage in the dance of compromise,” is so very true and no doubt why the divorce rate is so high. With every relationship comes joy and pain. We surround ourselves with people that make us feel good about ourselves and our life but feel rejected when they leave. In relationships whether business or personal it is all about finding balance that works for the parties involved.
"In relationships whether business or personal it is all about finding balance that works for the parties involved."
Carrie;
This could also be considered a very true statement! In my daily yoga practice, I am often confronted with this ideal and struggle with it on a physical level. When I succeed in finding this “balance” – as an example in warrior pose, pushing away and much as I am pulling in, my pose is strong, graceful and effortless. On a personal level, applying this principle to my relationships is an extension of this effort but rarely effortless. The operative word for me is “effortless” as when we find balance in anything it transcends the struggle and we could remain there indefinitely. That is the place to be in any relationship and is what we are seeking to be - in perfect communion with another, commensurate individuals attuned to each other in equal measure. Conversely, relationships that are rooted in dis-harmony are so debilitating as they use up our effort but return little but frustration. The fact that we continue to try may be an acknowledgement of the joy and pain that is in all lives.
njc
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