TRAVERSING THE UNIVERSE ON THE BUMP AND GRIND TRAIL

The "bump and grind" trail, in the hills above Palm Desert, is considered a "moderate" exercise workout for some and a somewhat strenuous climb for others. I would put myself in the latter category but I love the trail and the panoramic vistas of the Coachella Valley that come with the trudging and trekking. This week I climbed the trail again and through the twists and turns and winding and ups and downs I noticed that the recent rains had produced a flurry of green growth. The desperate brown dust gray of summer giving way to a green hew of autumn emergence. The mountain and the desert valley below is cooling down. As I walk the trail, sometimes breathless from the steepness, and at other times simply serene walking pleasure, I am reminded of how the journey is a euphemism for my life. One step at a time, sometimes short steps, sometimes bigger steps, but always one step at a time. Sometimes stepping with uncertainty, sometimes with solid confidence I trek forward. At times I can not look up for taking care to watch the path for jutting rocks or craggy roots or any other unknowns. Sometimes, when I do look up I can't see around the next bend, not knowing what is there, my curiosity and determination take me forward. The vast clear sky above on most days, can witness forbidding clouds on others. One doesn't know what the changes in weather might bring or how a flash flood might wash down on me. As I climb further up the trail, I recognize and feel my aloneness, on the trail, and in life. Yet I see not only the footsteps of those who have gone before me, but I often cross paths with other travelers each on their own journey, their own thoughts, their own concerns, their own hopes and dreams carried silently with them as they traverse the trail up and round and right and left and up some more then down then up then back and forth and up once more. At points of mystic view I stop and marvel at the picturesque lush green valley below, the silence and the serenity. A quiet confidence builds in me as I traverse the well worn trail. Finally, after the last dusty steps, the last of the ancient rounded boulders are passed on the last turn of an endless climb, I reach the top, a stark plateau of maybe 30 yards across. Someone has arranged large rocks on the side of the mountain to the west to spell G O D. At one side of the plateau, near where I stand, there is a small arrangement of a cross. Bending over the rocks an older athletic woman ( older than me, but she is terribly well conditioned ) with a large yellow visor hat is arranging and praying and giving thanks, maybe for her life, her love, her health. I turn to the east and gaze out at the vast green valley below me and thank the Universe, the source, the God. I am the fortunate one. I have all this. I have family and love and nature and beauty. I hear the music of birds, the smell of clover and am witness to the oranges and reds of a rising sun. Thank you Universe for my life. I will keep on trekking with hopes and dreams and love of life. I will do so with exuberance and passion and love, for this is how I live my life with curiosity, adventure, joy and love in my heart.

THE IDEA OF FINDING NEW LOVE MUST FEEL IMPOSSIBLE AFTER LOVING AND BEING LOVED SO DEEPLY

Recently someone asked me how I was doing, after losing my wife Ginger, to cancer, a year ago. Further she stated that "the idea of finding new love must feel impossible after loving and being loved so deeply for so many years".......I thought about that for a while, because what she was saying was essentially true, yet the answer that I found was this: ----------------------------------- My perspective is that when I first met Ginger, those 29 precious years ago, I wasn't "looking" for love, AND, I didn't really know how special it could or would become. I didn't know it at that first meeting or even when we had been dating for months. It took months and years for that specialness to develop and be discovered between us. Certainly I adored her at first sight. She was not only stunningly beautiful but Ginger had a lovely countenance, a unique presence that lit the room. She turned all heads when she entered a venue. Yet the prized character attributes that we each discovered, in each other, we found moment by moment, bit by bit, like a child delighting in finding precious colored pebbles strewn along a long gray sandy beach............. I think, for me, IF love were to come again it would happen that way again.......without any plan or pretense, without any agenda or expectation.........someone will come along, and we will each feel at ease, and begin to have fun together and find that we like each other, and then find that we are interested in each other, then that we respect each other, then that we are happier together than apart, then that feeling of loving, needing, and the joy of selfless giving to each other...........and so on..............I can't imagine it happening any other way............and so, my answer is that I really don't think I can "find" love, as if on a treasure hunt..........I believe that love already exists in each of us, and when the right two people risk, sharing themselves with each other, then they may discover a love from within themselves, a love from, and for, the other.

MOVING FORWARD WITH NEW DESIGNS & NEW DREAMS ONE DAY AT A TIME

Buying the house, here in the desert, then working with Jeannie the decorator to make it a beautiful home, has been so satisfying and cathartic. How many times have I thought about how much Ginger would have loved this project. I know for a fact that her design would have been far more elegant than my simple, masculine style of rustic dark woods and soft leather. Still, this is me, and it is feeling more like my "home" every day. I must admit that there is an awful lot of Ginger in this house. Several of our cherished furnishings and artifacts found a perfect place in the new house. In the yard I planted a small lemon tree. Ginger loved lemons. The yard has two large lemon trees already and just like the Trini Lopez song says" Lemon tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet". I am getting used to living alone again. I didn't know if I could. I know she thought I could not survive. I've just now begun to go through some grief counseling. They say everyone grieves in their own way and that it takes time. I have begun hiking some of the trails above Rancho Mirage including one called "the bump and grind".....which is a well deserved name. Today is a mellow Sunday. I have but a few errands then may relax in the pool or take a nap. Its not something I have done much - I am always so busy, driven at a frenetic pace, and yet I feel the need to slow it down a notch, at least for now. I know I remain stoic and somewhat aloof. I am not anti-social, just needing time to think and feel and find my true self again.

LOVE CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> I chose "Love Can Make You Happy", by MERCY as the theme for Ginger's Celebration of Life Memorial Service. The lyrics are poignant They are entirely reflective of the love Ginger and I shared. Its true that 'love will make you happy, if you find someone who cares to give a lifetime to you and who has a love to share". But there is another stanza that says "If you think you've found someone you'll love forever more, then it's worth the price you'll have to pay". For me the price is the pain of loss, when the one you love is gone from your arms. Yet, who among us would not trade the "price" of pain for a lifetime of love. To love deeply and be truly loved for whatever time we are gifted. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> If you don't remember this song, from long ago, go to I-Tunes or YouTube and listen with JOY to the beautiful song by MERCY and think of LOVE given and received as the greatest gift you can give and receive. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Sung by MERCY, released April 1969 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Songwriters: HOLLAND, EDWARD, JR./HOLLAND, BRIAN/DOZIER, LAMONT HERBERT ////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Wake up in the morning,,,, With the sunshine in your eyes, And the smell of flowers blooming Fills the air ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Your mind is filled with the thoughts, Of a certain someone - That you love ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Your life is filled with joy When she is there. .............................................. Love can make you happy,,,,,, If you find someone who cares,, To give a lifetime to you ,, And who has a love to share ................................................ If you think you've found someone You'll love forevermore ...................... Then it's worth the price,,,,,, You'll have to pay (pay)..................... To have, to hold's important ..... But forever is the phrase........... That means the love you've found... Is going to stay ............................ >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Love can make you happy ,,, If you finD someone who cares,,,,,, To give a life time to you ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, And who has a love to share ................... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> La-love, la-love ,,,,,,, Love can make you happy,,, Love can make you happy,,,, Love can make you happy,,,, Love..................

NEW BEGINNINGS - NEW AWAKENINGS

I realized that in pouring all my energies into caring for Ginger from November 2011 until her passing on August 21 that my grieving had begun from the first day of the diagnosis of the cancerous tumor. In a strange way it had actually begun months before when she had not been feeling well, had "not been herself". Then, after going through those agonizing months of "the journey", after her passing on August 21st 2012 and after the memorial service in September; only then did the true reality of her loss really settle on me and in me. In looking back I now know that during that entire time of caring for her, and with that feeling of losing her, I was also losing myself. I didn't focus on work. Although I tried to keep up my exercise routine it was a half hearted effort. All I really wanted was "find a way" to save her.///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Now, APRIL 1, 2013, I move forward, knowing Ginger is happy to "see" me doing so, knowing she would have wanted it this way, knowing she always supported me and encouraged me, and challenged me, in the loving way we all hope those who love us will support us and challenge us to be the best we can be. I find myself getting stronger, mentally, physically spiritually. I find myself returning to the faith, trust and metaphysical foundations of my younger years but now with a new wisdom and with a certainty of purpose. It is a rediscovery of who I am, what is important to me, and what I want. Through my exercise program, my work, my embrace of nature and through personal encounters I am beginning to experience my LIFE renewed. The UNIVERSE is talking to me; There are no coincidences. The past, present and future are interconnected. All matter and all life are interconnected. The beauty of nature, that I love so much, is as much a part of me as I am of it. Everything that is important to me is based on love. Love of beauty, love of music, love of people, love of animals, love of romance. Love of life. As a consequence I move now to a higher plain of existence. I enthusiastically embrace that which comes naturally to me and that which I am destined to experience. I have absolute faith in who I am , how I am, and where I am going. I am living "in the moment". Every moment is filled with wonder and beauty. I admit I still have my momentary breakdowns over Ginger, yet I recover faster and in those times she is there talking to me, helping me through my pain, reminding me that "there won't be a pitty party here". ( one of her beautiful expressions of grace and dignity ). So these moments are not sad depressed moments but incidents of joy where I feel such gratitude for having had her in my daily life. I am going to be "OK". I now remember and re-embrace that my purpose here is one of giving, to others, in kindness and understanding, being patient with others, and with myself, and being a certain influential catalyst for positive change, within and without, as well as being a nutrient for growth in myself and in others. In this I am renewed and restored and exhuberant, vivacious and enthusiastic in my living and in my future.

HAPPY VALENTINES 2013

My mom died on Valentines day on February 14, 1972. I was just 23 years old then. She was a simple, kind and gracious woman, full of love and understanding. She instilled a lifelong love of people in my life. She taught me to see the good in others, to be kind and patient, and to find that special "something" in each person that made them unique to me. I celebrate this Valentines day in honor of my mom and in love and honor of the special people who touch me so dearly.///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// My wife Ginger died just 5 months and 23 days ago. She was my ultimate romantic love. I lived to pleased Ginger. We shared a great love and a great life. Ginger loved making beautiful Valentines gifts of flowers and goodies which she would deliver to friends and family. She filled Valentines cards with little red heart confetti and sent them off to family. When they opened the card the dozens of tiny red hearts would fluttered to the carpet making the recipient smile at the mischievousness of their aunt, sister, grandma, or step-mom Ginger. The gift of giving is a gift to oneself and Ginger was the ultimate giver. It’s no wonder she had such great self esteem for she was good and honest and giving love to others every day of her life. It’s a great example that our “bucket” of love is unending. We always have more to give and plenty to go around./////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// My daughter Tami called me last night, to wish me Happy Valentines Day. She was baking cookies and wished she could send me some. I wished I were eating them here in my Tampa hotel room, but mostly I was proud that Tami was doing something nurturing for herself. She is doing so great and I am so proud of her.////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// My son Derek called to offer to help me move. So kind of him. I think he might help save my back in the act of sorting and packing 28 years of “stuff”. We’ll be moving it from the beach to the desert in the coming weeks. Good Son! So proud.//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// My Cincinnati friend and business team associate Christy called me to wish me Happy Valentines. She told me funny stories and anecdotes about her life. I realized she was simply calling me out of the kindness and goodness of her heart, thinking of how difficult this day might be on me. To me, that takes a special person to think of someone else. I keep encouraging Christy to “write” because she is smart, fun and has such great stories. A great title for her next book could be “A Dole Life”. ( a “play” on the word Dole, as in “ A Dull Life”, of Christy Dole, whose life, to me, is anything but dull ) For instance yesterday, when she was done with work she went home to decompress from the stresses of the office. Once home she commandeered the kitchen, asked for quiet and silently, except for her IPod music of Metallica blasting in her head, began to furiously bake cupcakes. Then, after the baking of several dozen, she began to consume, one by one the cakes. Now, svelte Christy does not look like she is a cupcake addict, yet I have this vision of her burying her happy face in those mounds of iced little cakes. Later that night ( the night before Valentines Day) Christy happily went to sleep with visions of cupcakes and frosting dancing in her head, and probably not but a little icing left at the corners of her mouth. In the middle of the night her daughter, Gabby’s, cat "Tabatha", sat waiting to pounce, leaped from some high place above the bed, and landed on Christy’s sleeping face. As a startled Christy awoke the little Tabby, launched herself again, and with one claw planted squarely on Christy’s lower lip the cat barreled off the bed leaving a bewildered cupcake addict, now with a split, bleeding and rapidly swelling lower lip. By the time Valentines day morning arrived Christy presented herself to family and co-workers with the look of a recent Botox treatment gone bad. Happy Valentines Day, Christy. Thank you for making my day brighter!

I MISS YOU EVERY DAY AND EVERY NIGHT > It’s been 5 months and 5 days since you left me. I miss you terribly. I long for your voice, your hand, your kiss. I am lost without you I find myself stumbling through the days. And, tossing-turning through the nights. > They say the pain will ease in time. That my heart will mend. That I will pick up the pieces and move forward again. But I want only to have you back by my side walking hand in hand. You are the one who forever loved me. And, I loved you always. > You know how much I loved you. I loved you beyond words as you loved me. I could not get enough of you. We felt each other’s love so deeply. You were grace, elegance, honor and integrity combined. Your beauty was in loving me truly as I was, and am still yours. > I am heartbroken and although at times I feel I am healing I fall apart again every other day and in between I try to put on a brave face just as you had wanted then find myself holding my breath as if awaiting your return. > They said you held on so long, knowing I would be in such pain. And, they told me to say “good bye” and to let you go. I did so, yet it crushed me to say good bye. you knew it was I who needed you most of all. > And, now I face another night, sadness my companion. I bravely think of all we did and said and shared. I am grateful for every moment we were blessed to share together. And hopefully will fall asleep knowing you are watching over me as always.

IN MY FINAL HOUR

In my final hour who will be at my side? Who will come to comfort me or be comforted by me?... In my final hour will someone take my hand? or kiss my lips or look into my eyes and know that I mattered... In my final hour when light fades to dark will I walk into the night alone or have you there beside me?... I am comforted by your voice I am assured by your breathing I am calmed by your touch and at peace in your presence... Just being here with you in the quiet with no words I am grateful for the gift of you and pray for one more day... And, if GOD grant me another day with you I will treasure it like no other and be fulfilled anew... Yes, In the final hour I will be at your side to comfort you and comfort me and love you forever... .

Faith, Belief, Trust, Hope - the foundation for LOVE

The following is a re-post of my first blog essay "Faith" written and posted October 2007. In my immediate circumstance I find it just as pertinent, to my life today, as it was five years ago. FAITH: It all begins with faith. We need hope. We need to believe we can make change, make a difference, move forward, step up, gain momentum, achieve our dreams, make a better life, give of ourselves. Faith comes from someplace deep inside.....a kind of trusting of the unknown. A key for us is to develop a trust that we are destined to succeed. For some that means validating the steps of their lives that have brought them to this point. For others it means that the past means nothing (in terms of achievement) and that only the present and the future are focal points on which to build. All of the "good mother" messages, all of the encouragement from friends or family, all of the books, the tapes, the outside motivations.....mean little. It must come from within. That inner devine guidance. Belief, trust, hope are reflections or self statements of the heart. Success is a step by step process ("little steps") ("a journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step, one before the other"). Begin with a foundation of faith.........find that deep light of faith within yourself and follow it to success. Faith, trust, believe are the foundation and the starting point of all success and achievement.

We lost a part of ourselves

The person we loved was so close he/she could complete our sentences. They knew what we were feeling by our body language or the tilt of our head, or a look in our eyes. We shared a rhythm in life. We felt their pain, and they felt ours, We felt their joy, and they felt ours. We put each other first, ahead of ourselves. We felt their hand on us at night and fell asleep comforted by their touch. We pleased each other at every turn. We thought first of her or him whenever good things happened or bad things happened. The one person who we knew cared for us beyond all others. That loss is a severe blow. Now alone, in the night, the TV or the sterio doesn't fill the void. Friends calling, children's care, helps but doesn't replace love lost. It doesn't replace the loss of shared dreams, our hopes our plans for the future. If we have commonality then it is that I feel your affection, your need for the kiss, the touch, the embrace the long walks, the quiet talks, and that feeling that it will be "OK"............I am in this place of loss just wandering wondering how will I recover from this need to give need to share need to receive.