Love will come to us if we will let it in

To be loved is a gift beyond all others. The universe is entirely about love. Love is the heartbeat of life. I was blessed to be loved in a way that made me feel special, made me feel as a man needs to feel, made me feel assured and confident in her dedication to me as the most important person in her life. And, I loved her in the same way. She was my everything. I delighted in acts of kindness and gifts of grace and goodness to her every day. Sometimes a wink across the room, a call to her for lunch, easing her worry about some little thing, encouraging her to wear the red dress, reminding her how beautiful she was then and now. Verbal flowers, a gentle kiss, spooning in bed, and always putting her first before everyone and everything. This depth of love and intimacy didn't come overnight. Love takes time to learn about each other, develop trust, find common ground, make little sacrifices for each other, learn each others dreams, be patient with each other. Forgiveness is the gift of the grace of an open minded, open heart and putting her well being first, above all others including self. I was honored to adore her. When one knows the depth of love possible it is not difficult to dream that it may come around the next corner or bend in the road someday. Be open hearted to love. And be ready to be loved. That was then, and then I lost her. Lost her to sickness. Loved her in health and then in the reality of sickness. Dedicated myself to her during those difficult days. And then she was gone. I was alone. I accepted that I would probably never have that kind of love again, that depth of intimacy, that closeness that beauty of kindness. And yet, it came to me again. A beautiful woman. A brilliant, kind and giving woman who had the same grace of goodness, kindness and selfless attitude. Good fortunate? Providence? Destiny? I like to think that we each have angels waiting in the wings to bestow love upon us. We must be open to the possibility of love. Love is all around us waiting to discover us, if we are willing and open to the beauty of its presence in us and in others around us.

Five year Update - Quick Version

AS much for myself as anyone here is a recap of some of the highlights of the past Five + years, since losing my late wife, Ginger in August 2012. Of course I grieved my loss and our loss of each other. Against all advice I sold our Huntington Beach home, and our Palm Springs Home and bought a permanent home in Rancho Mirage, a neighboring town to Palm Springs. I continued my work in commercial finance in the sports and entertainment Fields. In that role I traveled and was busy. When home I dated some, dabbled in a few relationships but nothing serious. I established a memorial bench as a tribute to Ginger, at the beach in Huntington Beach. I hiked, worked out, lost weight, decorated and designed the new house in Rancho Mirage. Then I stopped dating and determined to live in some solitude. I visited my kids in Washington State, saw the grandkids and invited them to come to the desert whenever they may. I felt good about a new and growing relationship with my youngest daughter Nichol and her son Devin, but also with my other grandkids Abby, Zach, Raine and Cannon. Then along came Pam. I met her on a "senior people" dating website. We talked for a few months, then when she was on a trip to the desert, we met for dinner. We hit it off. She wanted to teach me golf. Pam was a career operating room nurse, was extremely independent and didn't "need" a man. But she was also very attractive, interesting and kind with a generous demeanor. The fact that she is Canadian was interesting. Soon we were sharing a commuter romance. Pam commuting to the desert on weekends from her home/work in Woodland, California ( Sacramento). It got more serious and I got "cold feet" but still it progressed. I told her that I didn't want to marry again. She was fine with that. I slowly warmed to the golf. We took a few trips, then I started to miss her more on the weeks and weekends that she wasn't here. When Pam was about a year from retirement we started talking about moving in together to my house. Pam had been planning on buying her own house in Palm Springs. Now we began talking about buying an 2nd house as an investment together. On a weekend in October I told Pam that maybe I would not resist getting married again. She said she wouldn't mind being married again either. In December of that year we flew to Las Vegas and were married. Her brother Stan was the best man. I didn't know it then but Stan would end up moving to RAncho Mirage and become my golfing partner. Pam continued to work in Sacramento and fly back and forth on weekends. I would drive out to Ontario airport on Friday nights and take her back to the airport on Sunday's. Of course this grew old after a while, but she was worth it. She was fun and easy to be with. We were relaxed comfortable together. Finally came Pam's retirement date and I flew up to Sacramento to help her pack and move her things to the Rancho Mirage house. We settled in. We made trips to visit my kids and grandkids in the Seattle area. They all embraced Pam and where enthusiastic about our relationship. Soon it was time for my retirement. My final day was September 1, 2017. That August Pam arranged for us to take a cruise to Alaska. Great fun and I learned that I might like cruising. Pam's brother Stan had moved to the desert and was now renting our condo in Mission Hills Country club, which was across the street from our Rancho Mirage house. Stan had semi retired and we began playing a lot of golf. Stan's a great golfer and took me under his wing, although I'm sure he was bored with my poor play at times. He never complained though. Near December 2017 Pam spotted a great deal on a house in Mission Hills Country Club. It was older, but situated on a perfect spot, on the lake and just off the 3rd green of the famous Dinah Shore Tournament course. To be able to be "on the water" and on the golf course would be a dream come true. Pam approached Stan and asked if he would be interested in buying our condo. After a few days he stated "yes" , in fact he was interested. Within a few weeks we were in the process of selling to Stan. Now we made an "offer" on the Mission Hills house, which needed a tremendous amount of improvements and upgrades. To our surprise we got the house at our price and before we knew it we were in Escrow and destined to close soon after completing the sale of our condo to Stan. Now we complicated our lives further. We decided to put the Rancho Mirage ( Mission Point) house up for sale. I figured it would take eight to nine months to sell. We were shocked when in the 3rd week we got a "full price" offer, on the condition that the buyer could move in within 30 days. OMG what do we do. Of course we scrambled to get everything out of the house. We jumped through hoops to do all of the "fix its" that the buyer required. Yet, our new house was now under renovation. We had no place to live!!! To add to all this chaos, when we sold our condo to Stan it was with the proviso that we had already rented that unit to our Canadian friends Bob and Doreen. So as soon as Stan took possession of his house he was kicked out in lieu of our neighbors. Add to that jinx. Stan's son Andy had just moved from Toronto and was living with his dad. Pam and I felt obligated to help them find a place to stay. So here we go to Air B&B, and motels for a few weeks. Finally the contractor reached a point with our "new" ( old) house (the lake house) where we could sort of "move in" but there was no plumbing and no kitchen for several weeks. Well there was a single toilet and a temporary sink set up but we had to get out every day for all of the dust and power tool work that was going on. To make this long story short, finally it all got completed. Bob and Doreen finished there two month vacation and returned to Midland, Canada. Stan and Andy moved back into Stan's new condo and Pam and I settled into our new digs along the lake. It has been a crazy adventure. Now back to golf and in the next blog I'll give some photos of the before, during and after work that we went though in renovating "this old house".

Love And Be Loved Again

Early AM Saturday May 19, 2018. The house is dark, quiet except for the slight tinkle of the wind chimes hung on the eves over the patio facing the lake. Its been four years since my last post. For a long time I thought about writing, but couldn't. Then I felt I had nothing to say. Then life moved on, I got busy, and maybe felt there was no one who cared to listen. But Life has been good to me. I have been very lucky, fortunate lucky. For a long time I felt that I would never feel that happiness that I had felt with Ginger, ever again, but then it happened. Love found me and I fell in love again. It wasn't over-night, it was gradual. I was cautious. I had held back for a while. Then I dabbled in dating. I resisted any real closeness. Then I put up walls and determined to be alone. When I had made the decision that i would be alone the rest of my life - that is when love came knocking. Her name is Pam. She saw things in me that I could not see in myself. She didn't try to fix me or change me or move me. She just came along and understood me. AND, she had room in her heart for my relationship with Ginger. That is what really opened me up to the possibility of love. Pam was so loving and kind that she could accept that I would always have, need, want Ginger in my life. Pam's maturity allowed her to see that my relationship with Ginger was something within me, but not a threat to her. Pam's big heart was big enough for me AND for Ginger. Over these four years Pam's understanding and openness has only increased. Even in our new home, Pam suggests that we have angels for Ginger in our lemon tree. She encourages me to keep Ginger's picture in my office. She fully understands my need to keep certain keepsakes. All these things endear Pamela all the more to me and allows me to love Pam deeply, separately and with a deep respect and adoration, in the same ways I admired and adored Ginger. In fact , as different as Pam and Ginger are, they are more alike than I could ever have imagined. I believe they would have been fast friends and comfortable companions. I have no doubt that Ginger from her place in the great unknown orchestrated this wonderful romance and relationship that Pam and I share. I know that Ginger was deeply concerned about my being alone and maybe about being with the wrong person. I am convinced that Ginger is delighted and is now at peace that I am well taken care of in this relationship in this world. Some day maybe we will all be together. There are may times when I smile to myself and think "Ginger must be looking down on me smiling, laughing at my good fortune and happy times. She liked to say "everything is going to be OK". And things are OK. More than OK. Things are great. Ginger is always with me and never far from my thoughts. And Pam is here now making my life so filled with bliss and joy and happiness, too. I have much to be thankful for.